Falling in Love

We were at church recently and as I mentioned in previous blogs, I haven't been that well. In fact, due to some sudden health scares and complications, it made me do an instant halt and re-evaluate what's really important; my health or everyone and everything else?  So for now, I chose getting healthy and it caused me to step down and take a step back from volunteering, especially at church. Which might I add was a very hard thing for me to do, because I was so dedicated and immersed in my ministry work; I was even going to the Praise School of Ministry to become a better ministry leader so when I all of a sudden couldn't do it, I just needed to accept that sometimes, stepping back and letting go is the best thing to do.

But anyway, getting back to why I originally started blogging this, my husband and I were at church when the Pastors wife came up to us and asked how I was doing?  I told her I was much better than I was the week prior and that I appreciated the support and prayers of our church family members as they really renewed my spirit.  Then  she gave me some encouraging words and turned to my husband and told him that he needs to be a leader in the household and make sure to always lead his wife to the Lord.  My husband and I looked at each other and smiled and my husband graciously told her, yes I will, but in my head, I was saying to myself, He already does that?

The thing about my husband is that he is not the type of person that so freely expresses himself that the whole world can look at him and instantly know what kind of man he is.  In all actuality, there are many layers to my husband, layers that I don't think anyone has ever really even seen or known about except for myself, him and God?  So I was thinking about what the Pastor's wife said and was just wondering why she would say that?  Was it a subliminal message saying that because I stopped volunteering that I am veering away from my faith?  Was it just words of encouragement or was it just so that she could say something inspirational to my husband?  So here I was being the thinker that I am...always thinking, thinking, thinking.....just like Winnie the Pooh, just without all the honey! LOL..that reminds me, if you ever want to know what my husband and I are like and look like....we pretty much look and act like Winnie the Pooh and piglet!...ok...getting back to what I was saying.

So here I was thinking when I had an epiphany! When people first meet my husband, they don't really like him!  It's funny, but it's true!  My husband is very stand offish and doesn't really socialize, in fact if it was up to him, he would be in and out without hesitation and back in the safety of his beloved house where his best friends the television, ipad and computer are. Naturally, this is not really a good trait to have, especially at church where everyone is so warm and welcoming so no one really knows or talks to my husband at church, accept for a select few who actually get him.  Aside from being an introvert, he is very straight forward, my husband hates dilly dallying and beating around the bush, when he needs something he will say it, when he wants something he will say it and when he has an opinion he isn't afraid to tell you regardless of what your status is, so again..reasons people don't like my husband.

But like I said in the beginning, there are layers to this magnificent man, layers that no one ever gets to see, which is why I am blogging and gushing about him so everyone can get at least a glimpse of what I see in him everyday!

I always tease my husband and say he suffers from "White Knight Syndrome." One layer of my husband is that he is chivalrous..yes that's right ladies, Chivalry still exist and I was one of the blessed ones to get him!  I have countless stories I can tell you of where my husband courageously put himself aside and helped someone in need, regardless of how big or small or even dangerous, he always tries to help in every way that he can, which is why I love him so much!  I think I mentioned some of the other stories in other blogs, if not, I should start, because he really deserves some credit, but that's another layer about him.

My husband hates the lime light, he says that when he does something, it isn't to get the credit or the glory, he does it because he WANTS to do it and he does it to serve the Lord and that isn't anything special to need recognition or anything.  Again at church, people would come up to me and make comments about how they never saw my husband in the Sunday service and he was always missing, but what they don't know, even now is that as soon as he gets to church, someone is always calling on him for assistance because he knows about networking and programming so he volunteers and helps set up the background and fix things.  He is also a Sunday School teacher and all those weeks he wasn't in the service, it was because he was helping me by teaching Sunday School classes that I wasn't able to find volunteers for.  But no one ever knows that about him, because they don't really talk to him.

Another thing about my husband is that when he loves, he does it whole heartedly!  When he met me, I was already damaged goods.  My heart was in pieces, I didn't know who I was or where I was going, but yet he still loved me and since I'm spilling all our secrets, when I get depressed, it is a very dark time in our household.  At one point when my depression was really bad, I became catatonic to the point where I just couldn't function and my husband had to dress me, feed me and put me to bed because I would just cry and cry and cry and when I wasn't crying I was just numb. Also, when I was rushed to the E.R. my husband never left my side, despite having scoliosis and a weak back, he sat next to me on a stool without any complaint for 14 hours straight because he wanted to be near me, incase anything happened.  Aside from all of this, whenever I do start going into a dark place, my husband is the ONLY one who could ever bring me back to the light.

So why am I telling you all of this, because I love him, not just for what he is or who he is, but because he first loved me and by him just loving me, he reminds me of God's love for me and how he blessed me with such a precious gift and in turn, I fall even more deeply in love with the Lord each and everyday that he blesses me with a husband who shows me kindness, patience, benevolence and above all else LOVE...isn't that what the Lord wants for us after all?  So for all you out there that sees someone in church that really isn't that approachable, maybe next time you can get to know them a little more, you never know, they just might show you how to fall in love with the Lord!....until next time

What happened to Russhelle this time?

Hello my beloved friends! I know it's been awhile since I've chatted with you; truth be told, it's been another tough year for me and I've been spending the past couple of months just trying to keep it together.

I really don't even know where to begin except to say that I have had enough sorrow these past few years to last me forever! It seems like whenever life starts to look up for me, something always has to push me down?

As you probably have gathered in my previous blogs, things didn't really work out at the Post Office.  I loved the environment and the people, it just wasn't something that I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  All my life, I have known with conviction that my dedication is working with children, and if I were to stay at the Post Office, I know my dreams would have never of been realized, that and the job was just way out of my league! I mean, you have to be at your top physical shape, otherwise that workload is BRUTAL!  After leaving the Post Office, my husband and I tried our hand at starting our own business doing what we did before which was medical billing and my husband contracted work against my wishes and his better judgement, with his sisters boyfriend.  One of the individuals might I add that made my life a living hell at that horrible job that took so much away from me!  Reluctantly, I agreed to work with him and after a couple of months, my husbands sister who doesn't like me very much decided she didn't want to be within the same proximity as me and convinced her boyfriend to end our contract, so again we were both out of work.

Frustrated, I decided I needed a break from the rat race and decided my husband need to take the reigns because I just didn't have it in me anymore.

My husband did find work and things looked like they were finally starting to get better, but then they decided to let him go and we were left scrambling for some solid ground again.  At this point, I decided I needed to suck it up and get back out there, but all the jobs I wanted or felt like I qualified for demanded at least a B.A. which is why I decided to go back to school and finally finish.

But then I got sick and had to slow my roll way back, which is where I am at right now.  I ended up in the hospital which is another blog, but it made me stop in my tracks and really think about my life and what was important and because of it, I had to give up a lot of things, such as volunteering so much.  It saddened me, but I stepped down as Children's Ministry Coordinator while I figure out what's going to happen to me next?  I stopped planning so many events, but most importantly I stopped worrying about the million and one things that are totally out of my control.

To be honest I think this is all the Lord's doing and I thank Him and give Him all the glory because it says in the bible:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

and also, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 ESV

I know that a lot of my blogs thus far have been pretty depressing and sad, but looking back and reading them, I can see more clearly now that the Lord is truly working in my life and I just praise Him at His mighty work because I know that He has a wonderful plan for me!...Until next time my beloved.

I missed him before I met him

Hello beloved! Sorry I haven't been writing for awhile, so much has been happening that I haven't had the energy! I was feeling inspired though and thought I would come on and share.

As I was doing my wifely duties today; you know, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, dishes, ironing my husbands work clothes, etc. I was listening to my playlist on my phone.  I always like to download songs that describes something that relates to my life or my marriage and I like to think that I am compiling a song list to the soundtrack of my life.  At any rate, I was listening to my lifes soundtrack and I started thinking about my life and my husband as songs often make us do and it was a song by Christina Perri titled A 1,000 years and also another song by my favorite band The Civil Wars called To Whom it May Concern, that really got me thinking.  These songs are about loving someone before even knowing who they were and that's EXACTLY how it was with my husband.

I was thinking back...waaaayyyy back from when I was a little girl.  I never could sleep very well, I was always afraid of the dark and never felt safe, so I would put pillows next to me in order for me to feel secure enough to sleep.  I wouldn't use just one pillow and cuddle with it either..NO, I would use like 10 and make a small mountain, then I would either cuddle or put my feet up over them and then I would fall asleep.  After I got married, now that I think of it, I don't use pillows anymore, because when I turn to my side, I see that same exact mountain and feel secure..LOL  But to be honest, I always felt so insecure at night, but since I got married, from that first moment that I laid down in my marital bed and my husband put his arms around me to cuddle, all my fears and insecurities melted away and I felt safe and secure enough to sleep.

It was like before I was married, I was only living half a life, like a HUGE part of me was missing and I knew in my heart that it was Marko and that he was out there somewhere looking for me too.  As cheesy as it sounds, I am a big movie buff and when I was younger, one of my favorite movies was An American Tail, where they sang this song that still gets to me until this day titled Somehwere out there. Okay that's not the cheesy part, the cheesy part is that I use to sit at my bedroom windowsill and sing that song as I looked up at the great big moon in the sky and I would wonder if he was looking at that same moon and somehow we were connected?  Yeah I know, cheesy right?  Nah, I'm just a hopeless romantic like that!  Anyway, as you probably read in my first blogs where I spilled about our whole love story, I would literally see him in my dreams, but never his face because I didn't meet him yet. Truthfully, I think God did it that way, because half the fun of the journey was trying to find him and if I already knew who he was, then what was the point of that adventure?

All in all, the point of my crazy ranting is that I missed my husband before I even knew him.  It was like in my dreams I could see the magnificent romance of it, but when I woke up, he was gone.  I think that is why I slept so much when I was younger because when I was awake it felt like an eternity before I would see him again in my dreams.  Then when I got married, I stopped sleeping so much, because finally my waking reality was my dream come true.....until next time beloved <3

I'm so over it

Lately I feel like people are really hating on me??!!!! I really don't understand why though, I've done absolutely NOTHING, but be kind and generous, yet I'm still a stupid B**** according to one of my haters? I really don't get it, but I think I'm so much stronger from it. If this was a couple of years back, I probably would of fallen to pieces and asked WHY?!! WHY ME??!!!!! You know with tears and mocos running down my face and all, but I think after everything that this life has thrown at me, I just accept it now.

People are going to hate on you no matter what, all we can do in return is keep being ourselves, living our lives and ignoring all of their bulls***, because truth be told, if they have the gulls to talk about you, it's because we affected their lives, but that doesn't mean they need to be affecting ours, so go ahead haters and hate, all that you are doing is polishing me to be more beautiful and strong in the end...all the while you'll be getting older and uglier! HA....what a thought huh, yet it's true! Until next time......