Was This a Chemical Pregnancy?

Did I ever tell you about the time I was almost a mother?  Of course I've been like a second mom to my nieces and nephews and my Sunday School Children will agree that they are my children and so will my God children. But I mean me, myself and I actually being a mother, carrying her own child in her womb, laboring to bring it into the world and vowing to love and adore it for the rest of its life; Yeah that was almost me!

It was actually back in the Summer of 2014 that this happened to me, but I guess that's part of why I haven't been blogging in awhile, my heart just wasn't in it.

I actually started feeling symptoms I believe it was in May, you know the sore boobs, nausea, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, my gums were swollen and ached and I had to literally pee every five minutes, but I wasn't sure so I didn't do anything, but then 46, almost 50 days past since my last period and I said to myself that wasn't normal?  I've felt all these symptoms before, but I've never gone this long without a period?  So I made an appointment to see the Doctor and they ran a test to see if I was pregnant?  Once they did the test and I saw the Doctor, he told me I wasn't pregnant and it was probably due to stress as the reason why I haven't had my period, although I told him I really haven't been that stressed out compared to before?  I shrugged it off though, because I knew it was a pipe dream that I would ever get pregnant since my husband and I have been married for over a decade and nothing happened. So I went home a little sad, but I moved on, focusing on other things that I was doing at the time, when in the middle of the day the Doctors Office called me and left a message for me to call them back.

I called and when the nurse that called me got on the line she said, "I'm just calling to let you know you ARE pregnant and the test did come back positive."  She didn't even have to finish her sentence after "pregnant," I just burst into tears because I couldn't believe it?!  FINALLY, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!!!  My heart was bursting and I couldn't even speak and through the tears, I composed myself enough to ask, "are you sure?  The Doctor told me that I wasn't?"  The Nurse paused for a second, but told me, "well the test is very faint, that's why it took so long to call you, it actually took awhile before the sign came up, I was actually getting ready to throw it away before I looked at it again, but I'm going to send you for blood work to be absolutely sure, the Doctor didn't order it, but I'll send your paper work over now so you can go, but it is positive."  I thanked her and told her that my husband and I had been praying and trying for 12 years and I was on cloud 9 with this news!!  I should have listened more closely to the signs in our conversation, but I wanted to be pregnant so bad, I refused to listen to things like "Doctor didn't order blood work," or "very faint sign" or anything like that, because I was hoping that in some small miracle, life was actually going to be positive for me for once.  I even called my husband and told him while crying about the news! He was skeptical and said he will wait until there is an actual baby in his arms before he celebrates, but humored me with the thought of me possibly being pregnant.


So I went and got the blood work done and they told me I wouldn't get the results until next week, because I took it on a Friday, so I waited and for a whole week and I still didn't get my period and I looked at all the signs and kept telling my husband that "I HAVE TO BE PREGNANT...ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE!!"  Even the date of conception made sense for me to be pregnant and the symptoms were aligned with everything I was reading for how far along you are, which was a couple of weeks.  But then at the end of the week, I woke up to severe abdominal pains and bleeding.  My heart sank, but I went online and read that it might be due to implanting since I was supposedly a couple of weeks that's usually what happens an the egg is setting up shop in the uterus.  I kept hoping everything was ok and I prayed and just laid in bed not moving an inch, afraid of losing what little hope I had inside of me.  I called the Doctors Office again to see about the test and the same nurse who told me I was pregnant ended up taking back everything she said a week prior. She told me, "oh yeah sorry, you weren't actually pregnant, I spoke to the Doctor and he said you had to be a 5 or above to be pregnant and you were at a 2 so you should be getting your period soon, did you experience any bleeding?" I told her yes, I just started yesterday, but it's not like my normal period and I wish you would have told me all this a week ago, before I took the blood test and everything?!"  She apologized and I said whatever there's nothing we could do about it now and we hung up.  Once again, my heart broke into a billion pieces and the world I knew, started caving in on me.  My husband tried to console me and told me I shouldn't of gotten my hopes up to begin with and that nurse was a freakin idiot, but it's okay we will keep trying.  I told him I was alright and I sucked it up and told him he was right, I mean after this long for it to just happen, just like that is pretty much impossible. So I just acted like everything was fine and moved on, but the truth is that nurse literally ripped my heart out.

How could she just allow me to go a WHOLE WEEK thinking I was pregnant?  It just kept running through my mind over and over and over and I just kept asking myself, "how can this supposed medical professional, go through all the trouble of calling me and telling me I was pregnant if I wasn't?!"  Then finally after months passed by, I was sitting in church and it just clicked in my head again, "Why would she tell me I was pregnant, If I wasn't?" So I jumped on the internet on my phone and looked up "what does HCG 2 mean?"  Then I started coming across these posting and websites about "Chemical Pregnancies," and thought to myself "maybe I WAS pregnant and instead of saying I had a miscarriage, it was easier for her to just say I was never pregnant?"

A Chemical Pregnancy for those that don't know is a pregnancy that ends very early in the first trimester.  When women first become pregnant their hormones start to double which is how pregnancy test get their reading, which is through HCG (hormones).  However if it is a Chemical Pregnancy, the HCG levels drop rapidly, which signifies the end of the pregnancy.  They say that a chemical pregnancy occurs when the fetus dies immediately after conception due to chromosome issues which doesn't allow the embryo to implant in the uterus where it can grow and develop.

I have to be honest, my heart is still aching and as soon as I read this, my heart broke all over again as I explained it to my husband and told him, it wasn't really a pregnancy, that it was over before it even began.  But my husband, being the type of man that he is, looked me right in the eyes and told me to stop thinking like that! He told me, "as soon as that egg was fertilized, you became a mother and carried our baby inside of you and don't let anyone try to take that away from you and tell you it didn't happen!" So maybe I was pregnant and maybe I wasn't, either way I give God the glory that for at least a moment in time I could say that I was a mother......until next time my beloved

What happened to Russhelle this time?

Hello my beloved friends! I know it's been awhile since I've chatted with you; truth be told, it's been another tough year for me and I've been spending the past couple of months just trying to keep it together.

I really don't even know where to begin except to say that I have had enough sorrow these past few years to last me forever! It seems like whenever life starts to look up for me, something always has to push me down?

As you probably have gathered in my previous blogs, things didn't really work out at the Post Office.  I loved the environment and the people, it just wasn't something that I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  All my life, I have known with conviction that my dedication is working with children, and if I were to stay at the Post Office, I know my dreams would have never of been realized, that and the job was just way out of my league! I mean, you have to be at your top physical shape, otherwise that workload is BRUTAL!  After leaving the Post Office, my husband and I tried our hand at starting our own business doing what we did before which was medical billing and my husband contracted work against my wishes and his better judgement, with his sisters boyfriend.  One of the individuals might I add that made my life a living hell at that horrible job that took so much away from me!  Reluctantly, I agreed to work with him and after a couple of months, my husbands sister who doesn't like me very much decided she didn't want to be within the same proximity as me and convinced her boyfriend to end our contract, so again we were both out of work.

Frustrated, I decided I needed a break from the rat race and decided my husband need to take the reigns because I just didn't have it in me anymore.

My husband did find work and things looked like they were finally starting to get better, but then they decided to let him go and we were left scrambling for some solid ground again.  At this point, I decided I needed to suck it up and get back out there, but all the jobs I wanted or felt like I qualified for demanded at least a B.A. which is why I decided to go back to school and finally finish.

But then I got sick and had to slow my roll way back, which is where I am at right now.  I ended up in the hospital which is another blog, but it made me stop in my tracks and really think about my life and what was important and because of it, I had to give up a lot of things, such as volunteering so much.  It saddened me, but I stepped down as Children's Ministry Coordinator while I figure out what's going to happen to me next?  I stopped planning so many events, but most importantly I stopped worrying about the million and one things that are totally out of my control.

To be honest I think this is all the Lord's doing and I thank Him and give Him all the glory because it says in the bible:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

and also, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 ESV

I know that a lot of my blogs thus far have been pretty depressing and sad, but looking back and reading them, I can see more clearly now that the Lord is truly working in my life and I just praise Him at His mighty work because I know that He has a wonderful plan for me!...Until next time my beloved.

Hurt people, hurt people

Hello my beloved, how are you all doing this September month? The season is finally changing and I'm so glad because I don't think I can take anymore of the heat! These past few weeks I've been really dehydrated and having dizzy spells which is why I haven't been on here that much lately. But I'm back now and that's the past, so lets move forward on today's topic of interest: why do people hurt people?

I don't know if it's the heat wave or what, but this whole summer or better yet, this whole past year, I've been pushed down, mowed over, stabbed in the back, crushed, mutilated and the worst one of all.....hurt. For awhile I reflected on myself and what I've done wrong to cause these certain individuals to attack me so hateful and spitefully? I prayed, I meditated, I asked the age old question of why? And after it all, I've come to the conclusion that it's not my fault, heck it might not even be their fault?

For my situation, I looked back long and hard to try to find where I could of done these individuals wrong, but the truth is, all I ever did was try to be there for them, love them, give them loving advice and support, but they took it as me "trying to control them, take over their lives, get involved in their business, when it's none of mine?!" To that, I reply, then why did you come to me with your problems if you didn't want my help? It's not like I was forcing them to conform or change...the fact of the matter is, as you know I am Christian and all I tried to do was give them Godly advice and spiritual guidance in a loving and encouraging way, but my mistake was that these individuals are NOT the spiritual type so any advice other than "do what you want," is considered " judgemental and critical" which makes me un Christian because supposedly I'm suppose to just accept them as they are. Well yes, that is true, I do accept you as you are, but I don't accept your sin. The problem with unbelievers is that they choose to pick and choose parts of the bible that rule in their favor, but the problem with that is, they don't read the entire context of the word before they start accusing and throwing judgements. Instead, they want to continue hurting and in return hurt you more, thinking that would make them feel better. 

For that, I'm sorry but you can try to break me, hurt me and say whatever you want, but I'm not going to compromise my faith or beliefs and conform to your worldly ideals just to make you feel better. As a Christian it is my job to love you with the love of The Lord and out of Love, help guide you on the right path for your life which God wills for you. It's not my doing or your doing or any one's doing BUT Gods, the only thing is he gives you the free will to choose wether or not to accept it. So for all those who have been hurt or make it a point to hurt, just know the only way you will ever find true happiness in your life is through Christ Jesus as your Lord and savior and I promise you that your life might not get any easier as a Christian, but it will be more fulfilled and joyful. It's like I said in the beginning, I've been trampled on, dragged across the mud, have personally gone through hell and back. Honestly, I'm going through a couple of trials and tribulations as I write to you now, but beloved despite it all I have peace in my heart knowing God Rules it and joy in my life knowing God is in control and will take care of me and for those of you who want to hurt me for standing steadfast for The Lord, while then I will not say anything to you accept, Matt 5:44 "do good to those who hate you and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." Just know my beloved, God knows our hearts and our pains and it says in 2 Corinthians 1:5 "for just as the suffering of Christ flows over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows"..........Until next time my beloved