The love of Family

I usually get really depressed around this time. I'm not sure if it's because Summer has come to an end and it's a realization that time is fleeting and another year has come and gone, but I think it goes deeper than that? You see it was around this time that I lost someone very close to me, that I loved with my whole heart and when I lost him, it felt like a part of me died with him. It's been almost 20 years already, but every year around this time, I go into this dark depression. People always say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes, it just isn't the case.  Sometimes, the wounds heal, but the scars are left as a reminder of what was once there and now is gone. I used to get to a point where I didn't even know where and if I would come back? I remember once it got so bad that I became catatonic. I would cry so uncontrollably that when I would get so tired and weak from crying, I would just be numb. I think I said this all before in a previous blog somewhere, so I'll just leave out all the dramatics and just cut the present.  Today, I'm much better with the help and support of my loving husband and family which is why I wanted to blog about it.

Have you ever had one of those days, where there are so many people around you, yet you feel so utterly alone? I was having one of those days today and I wanted to just talk to someone, yet, even though there were people around me, I just felt like I was in such a dark place. It got to a point, where I went into my room with the lights out and was watching videos online and I just wept and cried. I was remembering my lost relative and missing them so much, but then out of the blue, my phone rang and it being so late at night, I didn't think anything of it, but then my phone rang again so I picked up. On the other end of the line was my niece, with her ray of sunshine attitude and with her light, it in an instant brought me out of the darkness.  She called to ask if I can see them as they were visiting my mom and wanted to see me. I told them yes of course and in a matter of seconds, all that pain I had in my heart turned into pure joy, simply by being around my happy, wonderful nieces.  I just wanted to put that out there in the universe.  If you are ever feeling sad and alone, just remember you are not and the best medicine for it is surrounding yourself with people that love you and give you pure joy....Until next time!

What happened to Russhelle this time?

Hello my beloved friends! I know it's been awhile since I've chatted with you; truth be told, it's been another tough year for me and I've been spending the past couple of months just trying to keep it together.

I really don't even know where to begin except to say that I have had enough sorrow these past few years to last me forever! It seems like whenever life starts to look up for me, something always has to push me down?

As you probably have gathered in my previous blogs, things didn't really work out at the Post Office.  I loved the environment and the people, it just wasn't something that I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  All my life, I have known with conviction that my dedication is working with children, and if I were to stay at the Post Office, I know my dreams would have never of been realized, that and the job was just way out of my league! I mean, you have to be at your top physical shape, otherwise that workload is BRUTAL!  After leaving the Post Office, my husband and I tried our hand at starting our own business doing what we did before which was medical billing and my husband contracted work against my wishes and his better judgement, with his sisters boyfriend.  One of the individuals might I add that made my life a living hell at that horrible job that took so much away from me!  Reluctantly, I agreed to work with him and after a couple of months, my husbands sister who doesn't like me very much decided she didn't want to be within the same proximity as me and convinced her boyfriend to end our contract, so again we were both out of work.

Frustrated, I decided I needed a break from the rat race and decided my husband need to take the reigns because I just didn't have it in me anymore.

My husband did find work and things looked like they were finally starting to get better, but then they decided to let him go and we were left scrambling for some solid ground again.  At this point, I decided I needed to suck it up and get back out there, but all the jobs I wanted or felt like I qualified for demanded at least a B.A. which is why I decided to go back to school and finally finish.

But then I got sick and had to slow my roll way back, which is where I am at right now.  I ended up in the hospital which is another blog, but it made me stop in my tracks and really think about my life and what was important and because of it, I had to give up a lot of things, such as volunteering so much.  It saddened me, but I stepped down as Children's Ministry Coordinator while I figure out what's going to happen to me next?  I stopped planning so many events, but most importantly I stopped worrying about the million and one things that are totally out of my control.

To be honest I think this is all the Lord's doing and I thank Him and give Him all the glory because it says in the bible:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

and also, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 ESV

I know that a lot of my blogs thus far have been pretty depressing and sad, but looking back and reading them, I can see more clearly now that the Lord is truly working in my life and I just praise Him at His mighty work because I know that He has a wonderful plan for me!...Until next time my beloved.

New year, New me

Everyone is mainstreaming all of their highlights for the year 2013, but for me, I'm just ready to get this year over with!

I didn't have any highlights for the year, nothing that I can say was TOTALLY AWESOME, or amazing...Although, it didn't have as much heartbreak or as many depression setbacks as last year, if I had to reflect, I would say this past year for me has been MEH!

If you have been following me, I'm sure you have read how I was mistreated, betrayed, stabbed in the back and just straight out hurt this year, but I really don't think those things were such bad things! You see my beloved, if it weren't for those moments, I wouldn't be the strong, more confident person that I am today. It's because of those trials and tribulations that I found out a little bit more about myself, I learned about my limits, my own expectations and who I really am! I am the type of person that knows what I want and who I am and I am willing to put in the sweat and pain to get it, but the moment you hurt me, or make me feel taken advantage of, then it's so long, goodbye, don't let my fist slug you on the way out!

It says in Isaiah 43:18  "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"and also in Ezekiel 36:26 " I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

This past year has made me a new person, with a new spirit and an even deeper love for my Lord and Savior.  So good bye 2013 you are now history and I am ready for the adventure that 2014 brings!!

Happy New year my beloved, may it be a year filled with much joy, peace and above all else....LOVE!!!!! Until next time.....

I'm just so sad

I feel like I'm stuck! Hello my beloved friends around the world, how have you been? As for me, I've been working. To be honest with you, I am truly grateful for my new job, but am quickly finding that I doubt I'm going to last very long at it? First off, it is VERY physically demanding and the wear and tear its doing to my body is agonizing! Secondly, it has to do with speed and accuracy and although I'm fine with that, the pressure of everything combined with the pressure of "am I going to make probation?" Is absolutely terrorizing! I find myself waking up feeling sick to my stomach, my hands clammy and in a cold sweat just thinking about the beating I'm going to get for the day. To make things worse, yesterday I was monitored by practically every person in upper management and today when I called for my clock in time, they told me NOT to come in today?

To be honest, I'm relieved to get the day off because EVERYTHING hurts and I had a nervous breakdown last night, so I kind of need a day to regain my composure. What cause the nervous breakdown you ask?

Lately, to relax, I've been playing this online game called Candy Crush; I don't know if you ever played it, but it's like a puzzle game, where you match different colors to get high scores or unlock things. So I've been playing it to take my mind off of things and last night I was playing a level where you had to bring down "ingredients," like cherries or nuts and get a certain score in the game to win, but the only thing is that you only have so many moves to do it in. I managed to get all but one ingredient down and get the high score, but I ran out of moves and lost the game. That's when I lost it! I know something so trivial can make it sound so pathetic of me, but that's the honest truth; I cried over a lost game. Well actually, it wasn't because I lost the game, but because I felt like that ONE game just about summed up my entire life. In fact, I even said, "story of my life," right before I broke down. I just feel like everything is at my fingertips and just when I get close enough to win, I get stuck and " run out of moves and lose." It's like no matter how hard I try, NOTHING ever turns out in my favor. I worked so hard in my last job and all it got me was pain and heartache, I spent the last year on a roller coaster ride feeling so inadequate and now that I have a job, I feel like it's slipping through my fingers because once again I feel inadequate. I just feel so sad!! I spent the majority of last night crying and I think I've cried more this past month than I have last year! I'm just so tired of feeling worthless and not good enough and like im never going to make it. Well that's it for now I guess, until next time......