My Confession

Sorry I haven't been on for so long, I seem to be in an existential crisis at the moment. As my birthday approaches and everyone is pointing out my actual age (I'm in my thirties, even though everyone still thinks I'm 19..That's right...I got the forever looking young genes LOL) anyway, I was in my philosophy class today and the topic was on Tolstoy and the meaning of life.

If you do not know who Leo Tolstoy is, I suggest you Google him now, because he was only regarded as one of the greatest authors of all time. I would tell you his biography, but there is too much to tell and such little time that you can just simply click on the links I provided and it will lead you to what you need to know. The reason for my blogging is that in class, the professor asked if anyone knew who Tolstoy was? When he asked, only like 3 people raised their hands.  Now mind you, this is a class of 159 students and only THREE people aside from the Professor knew of the author that not only penned War and Peace, Anna Karenina and countless others, but also was a genius in his own right. The reason the professor asked, was because Tolstoy wrote in his bibliography, a portion called "My Confession," which was at a point in his life where he became deeply depressed and started to ponder what the point of his life was?  To paraphrase his argument, his conclusion was "What was the meaning of life if in the end there is just death, rot and worms?"

As I sat there, pondering his argument, I started to ponder my own life.  WHAT WAS THE POINT? I have entertained this question more than I care to share at this point, but I too have been conflicted with the same disposition as Tolstoy in trying to figure out what the purpose was for everything? I mean, why did I even start this blog to begin with? I started it because I wanted to share my story and let people that were going through the same thing know that there is hope and happiness at the end of the tunnel....but then what? Will anyone remember me 5 generations from now after I am long dead and gone, or will they forget me as if I never existed like Tolstoy? Why am I working, fighting and torturing myself to finish school? So I can work...and then what? So I can be successful in life and have all the things that I so desired and to provide a legacy to my future bloodline...and then what?

No matter what we do, or how hard we try.....We all die in the end! Just some get there sooner than others. It made me think of my life and how I've stressed out and gotten sick health wise for so long and started to think....was it all worth it? IS it still worth it?  I feel like some points in my life have been a total waste of time and those are moments of my life that I will never get back! But still...What is the point, if all it leads to is death?

But then I started meditating on the Lord and you know what..everything DOES have a point and my life is meaningful! Death does not have victory, but CHRIST who conquered death, so that we can have ETERNAL LIFE (1 John 5:13; 1 John 5:5; Galatians 2:20). Whenever we start to doubt the Lord, the bible says: But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind (James 1:6)." It also says, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). It is the purpose of my life to serve the Lord my God and it is He that gives me meaning and reasons to live. On that note, don't ever think that your life is meaningless or hopeless, yes one day you will be dead and basically worm food, but until then, your life means something and it is worth a whole lot more than you even realize.

What happened to Russhelle this time?

Hello my beloved friends! I know it's been awhile since I've chatted with you; truth be told, it's been another tough year for me and I've been spending the past couple of months just trying to keep it together.

I really don't even know where to begin except to say that I have had enough sorrow these past few years to last me forever! It seems like whenever life starts to look up for me, something always has to push me down?

As you probably have gathered in my previous blogs, things didn't really work out at the Post Office.  I loved the environment and the people, it just wasn't something that I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  All my life, I have known with conviction that my dedication is working with children, and if I were to stay at the Post Office, I know my dreams would have never of been realized, that and the job was just way out of my league! I mean, you have to be at your top physical shape, otherwise that workload is BRUTAL!  After leaving the Post Office, my husband and I tried our hand at starting our own business doing what we did before which was medical billing and my husband contracted work against my wishes and his better judgement, with his sisters boyfriend.  One of the individuals might I add that made my life a living hell at that horrible job that took so much away from me!  Reluctantly, I agreed to work with him and after a couple of months, my husbands sister who doesn't like me very much decided she didn't want to be within the same proximity as me and convinced her boyfriend to end our contract, so again we were both out of work.

Frustrated, I decided I needed a break from the rat race and decided my husband need to take the reigns because I just didn't have it in me anymore.

My husband did find work and things looked like they were finally starting to get better, but then they decided to let him go and we were left scrambling for some solid ground again.  At this point, I decided I needed to suck it up and get back out there, but all the jobs I wanted or felt like I qualified for demanded at least a B.A. which is why I decided to go back to school and finally finish.

But then I got sick and had to slow my roll way back, which is where I am at right now.  I ended up in the hospital which is another blog, but it made me stop in my tracks and really think about my life and what was important and because of it, I had to give up a lot of things, such as volunteering so much.  It saddened me, but I stepped down as Children's Ministry Coordinator while I figure out what's going to happen to me next?  I stopped planning so many events, but most importantly I stopped worrying about the million and one things that are totally out of my control.

To be honest I think this is all the Lord's doing and I thank Him and give Him all the glory because it says in the bible:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

and also, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 ESV

I know that a lot of my blogs thus far have been pretty depressing and sad, but looking back and reading them, I can see more clearly now that the Lord is truly working in my life and I just praise Him at His mighty work because I know that He has a wonderful plan for me!...Until next time my beloved.

Perseverance

Hello my wonderful friends around the world! It feels like we haven't spoken in ages! How are you? As for me, so much has happened in the last couple of months, don't even know where to begin?!

Hmmm, let's start from the beginning then; so in the beginning God created the heavens and earth. Too far back? I agree, let's fast forward to the beginning of this month better. So as I mentioned before, my husband and I were well on our way of starting our own company and everything was being set up and what not. We were doing medical billing services for this collection agency and for reasons only known to the owner, we HAD to be in his office?? We requested to work from our own location, but the owner insisted the work needed to be done in his office so we went, but it turned out they didn't want me, they only wanted my husband, the bad part for them was that they had no say so because it was OUR business and my husband needed me there. Truthfully, myself and the owners girlfriend are not on very good terms which is why they were not happy I was there, but what could they do? Well let me tell you what they could and DID DO!! They or should I say the owners girlfriend made it a point to do everything in her power to get me out so one day she pouted and huffed and puffed and made a HuGE deal out of the absolutely nothing so we left and truth be told, we couldn't be happier!

In all honesty, we weren't very happy there, the environment was very hostile and negative, I felt like I was in High School everytime I stepped into that office if you can catch my drift? All they did was gossip, mess around, curse and talk about the most inappropriate things all the time and it was just so negative! 

So there we were without work again but this time we just praised The Lord and knew it was from him so we didn't worry we had nothing but peace in our hearts, then my older sister called me and asked us to do her a favor? I'm not one to pry so if someone needs my help I'm all in, so I was like sure whatever. The next day she came with her training manager and showed us this new company she joined. Being that we were currently out of work we were intrigued with this new opportunity and decided to go all in and joined the company as well. When we got to the office for the open house we were met with the warmest smiles and hugs and I think the most positive people I ever met on this earth! Everyone spoke to each other with encouraging words and when someone was down and frustrated, everyone gathered around to uplift them and as I sat there witnessing all this, I was like oh my gosh this is like the complete 360 of where we just came from!! This excited me because we just need positivity in our lives right now, so we got even more excited and with our excitement, plus all the positivity, positive things started happening to us. My husband got a job the following week, plus he's still getting job offers. I'm getting job offers left and right and we are even getting money pretty much out of thin air that we didn't even expect to get. God is so good!! That's all I can say!

 It says in Jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I truly believe that God is doing great works in our lives right now and I'm just blessed and excited to see where he leads us next! In the meantime, I want to leave you all with this last bible verse my beloved "Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation prayer and petition, with thanksgiving give your request to God" Phillipians 4:6