I'm just so sad

I feel like I'm stuck! Hello my beloved friends around the world, how have you been? As for me, I've been working. To be honest with you, I am truly grateful for my new job, but am quickly finding that I doubt I'm going to last very long at it? First off, it is VERY physically demanding and the wear and tear its doing to my body is agonizing! Secondly, it has to do with speed and accuracy and although I'm fine with that, the pressure of everything combined with the pressure of "am I going to make probation?" Is absolutely terrorizing! I find myself waking up feeling sick to my stomach, my hands clammy and in a cold sweat just thinking about the beating I'm going to get for the day. To make things worse, yesterday I was monitored by practically every person in upper management and today when I called for my clock in time, they told me NOT to come in today?

To be honest, I'm relieved to get the day off because EVERYTHING hurts and I had a nervous breakdown last night, so I kind of need a day to regain my composure. What cause the nervous breakdown you ask?

Lately, to relax, I've been playing this online game called Candy Crush; I don't know if you ever played it, but it's like a puzzle game, where you match different colors to get high scores or unlock things. So I've been playing it to take my mind off of things and last night I was playing a level where you had to bring down "ingredients," like cherries or nuts and get a certain score in the game to win, but the only thing is that you only have so many moves to do it in. I managed to get all but one ingredient down and get the high score, but I ran out of moves and lost the game. That's when I lost it! I know something so trivial can make it sound so pathetic of me, but that's the honest truth; I cried over a lost game. Well actually, it wasn't because I lost the game, but because I felt like that ONE game just about summed up my entire life. In fact, I even said, "story of my life," right before I broke down. I just feel like everything is at my fingertips and just when I get close enough to win, I get stuck and " run out of moves and lose." It's like no matter how hard I try, NOTHING ever turns out in my favor. I worked so hard in my last job and all it got me was pain and heartache, I spent the last year on a roller coaster ride feeling so inadequate and now that I have a job, I feel like it's slipping through my fingers because once again I feel inadequate. I just feel so sad!! I spent the majority of last night crying and I think I've cried more this past month than I have last year! I'm just so tired of feeling worthless and not good enough and like im never going to make it. Well that's it for now I guess, until next time......