Did I ever tell you about the time I was almost a mother? Of course I've been like a second mom to my nieces and nephews and my Sunday School Children will agree that they are my children and so will my God children. But I mean me, myself and I actually being a mother, carrying her own child in her womb, laboring to bring it into the world and vowing to love and adore it for the rest of its life; Yeah that was almost me!
It was actually back in the Summer of 2014 that this happened to me, but I guess that's part of why I haven't been blogging in awhile, my heart just wasn't in it.
I actually started feeling symptoms I believe it was in May, you know the sore boobs, nausea, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, my gums were swollen and ached and I had to literally pee every five minutes, but I wasn't sure so I didn't do anything, but then 46, almost 50 days past since my last period and I said to myself that wasn't normal? I've felt all these symptoms before, but I've never gone this long without a period? So I made an appointment to see the Doctor and they ran a test to see if I was pregnant? Once they did the test and I saw the Doctor, he told me I wasn't pregnant and it was probably due to stress as the reason why I haven't had my period, although I told him I really haven't been that stressed out compared to before? I shrugged it off though, because I knew it was a pipe dream that I would ever get pregnant since my husband and I have been married for over a decade and nothing happened. So I went home a little sad, but I moved on, focusing on other things that I was doing at the time, when in the middle of the day the Doctors Office called me and left a message for me to call them back.
I called and when the nurse that called me got on the line she said, "I'm just calling to let you know you ARE pregnant and the test did come back positive." She didn't even have to finish her sentence after "pregnant," I just burst into tears because I couldn't believe it?! FINALLY, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!!! My heart was bursting and I couldn't even speak and through the tears, I composed myself enough to ask, "are you sure? The Doctor told me that I wasn't?" The Nurse paused for a second, but told me, "well the test is very faint, that's why it took so long to call you, it actually took awhile before the sign came up, I was actually getting ready to throw it away before I looked at it again, but I'm going to send you for blood work to be absolutely sure, the Doctor didn't order it, but I'll send your paper work over now so you can go, but it is positive." I thanked her and told her that my husband and I had been praying and trying for 12 years and I was on cloud 9 with this news!! I should have listened more closely to the signs in our conversation, but I wanted to be pregnant so bad, I refused to listen to things like "Doctor didn't order blood work," or "very faint sign" or anything like that, because I was hoping that in some small miracle, life was actually going to be positive for me for once. I even called my husband and told him while crying about the news! He was skeptical and said he will wait until there is an actual baby in his arms before he celebrates, but humored me with the thought of me possibly being pregnant.
So I went and got the blood work done and they told me I wouldn't get the results until next week, because I took it on a Friday, so I waited and for a whole week and I still didn't get my period and I looked at all the signs and kept telling my husband that "I HAVE TO BE PREGNANT...ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE!!" Even the date of conception made sense for me to be pregnant and the symptoms were aligned with everything I was reading for how far along you are, which was a couple of weeks. But then at the end of the week, I woke up to severe abdominal pains and bleeding. My heart sank, but I went online and read that it might be due to implanting since I was supposedly a couple of weeks that's usually what happens an the egg is setting up shop in the uterus. I kept hoping everything was ok and I prayed and just laid in bed not moving an inch, afraid of losing what little hope I had inside of me. I called the Doctors Office again to see about the test and the same nurse who told me I was pregnant ended up taking back everything she said a week prior. She told me, "oh yeah sorry, you weren't actually pregnant, I spoke to the Doctor and he said you had to be a 5 or above to be pregnant and you were at a 2 so you should be getting your period soon, did you experience any bleeding?" I told her yes, I just started yesterday, but it's not like my normal period and I wish you would have told me all this a week ago, before I took the blood test and everything?!" She apologized and I said whatever there's nothing we could do about it now and we hung up. Once again, my heart broke into a billion pieces and the world I knew, started caving in on me. My husband tried to console me and told me I shouldn't of gotten my hopes up to begin with and that nurse was a freakin idiot, but it's okay we will keep trying. I told him I was alright and I sucked it up and told him he was right, I mean after this long for it to just happen, just like that is pretty much impossible. So I just acted like everything was fine and moved on, but the truth is that nurse literally ripped my heart out.
How could she just allow me to go a WHOLE WEEK thinking I was pregnant? It just kept running through my mind over and over and over and I just kept asking myself, "how can this supposed medical professional, go through all the trouble of calling me and telling me I was pregnant if I wasn't?!" Then finally after months passed by, I was sitting in church and it just clicked in my head again, "Why would she tell me I was pregnant, If I wasn't?" So I jumped on the internet on my phone and looked up "what does HCG 2 mean?" Then I started coming across these posting and websites about "Chemical Pregnancies," and thought to myself "maybe I WAS pregnant and instead of saying I had a miscarriage, it was easier for her to just say I was never pregnant?"
A Chemical Pregnancy for those that don't know is a pregnancy that ends very early in the first trimester. When women first become pregnant their hormones start to double which is how pregnancy test get their reading, which is through HCG (hormones). However if it is a Chemical Pregnancy, the HCG levels drop rapidly, which signifies the end of the pregnancy. They say that a chemical pregnancy occurs when the fetus dies immediately after conception due to chromosome issues which doesn't allow the embryo to implant in the uterus where it can grow and develop.
I have to be honest, my heart is still aching and as soon as I read this, my heart broke all over again as I explained it to my husband and told him, it wasn't really a pregnancy, that it was over before it even began. But my husband, being the type of man that he is, looked me right in the eyes and told me to stop thinking like that! He told me, "as soon as that egg was fertilized, you became a mother and carried our baby inside of you and don't let anyone try to take that away from you and tell you it didn't happen!" So maybe I was pregnant and maybe I wasn't, either way I give God the glory that for at least a moment in time I could say that I was a mother......until next time my beloved
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