The Stars and I

Ever since I was a little girl and watched An American Tail (1986), I always would sit on my window sill at night looking up at the stars.  No, scratch that! No matter where I was, or what I was doing, whenever the days would start to fade away and the stars would awaken the night sky, I always would look up at them.  Now that I think back, I think it was because I may not have known a lot of things with great certainty, but whenever I looked up at the stars, I would dream! Dream of the days gone by, of days that have yet to be, or never were. No matter what I was going through in my life, I could always count on my dreams to save me.

When I came of age and got married, I didn't even realize it, but I stopped looking up at the stars, somehow stopped dreaming.  I mean I still had dreams.  I would dream of finishing school, starting a family,buying my first home, so on and so forth; but those were dreams of necessity or logic. They were not the dreams that you could get lost in for hours or make you have butterflies in your chest.

I reminisce on this childhood experience, because I was out on the town with my husband tonight and as we were driving home, I caught myself looking up at the stars and I started remembering what those stars meant to me.  How they were a million wishes and prayers sent up to heaven to be answered. How they were the tears of pain and sorrow saved in heaven in remembrance. They were the light in my darkness and no matter where I was or how alone I felt, they were always there shining down on me and giving me hope for a better tomorrow. As I sat in the passenger seat of our car driving along on the highway of our life, I started thinking about those stars and wondering why I never looked up at them anymore? Did my life become so busy that I no longer have time to dream anymore? Were the stars just a childish notion that I grew out of as I have gotten older? Did I come to a point of definitive consciousness, where I said, "What's the point?"

I am not sure when or why I stopped, but I think it was around the time I got married.  Reason being that when I married my husband, my whole life changed.  Suddenly all those wishes and prayers that I would send up to the stars, finally came true, all of my tears and sorrow, turned into complete and utter joy and happiness. My husband became my light and I was always surrounded by him and darkness no longer existed. Because of that, I no longer needed to hope for a better tomorrow because every moment I was living was the best moment I thought I could ever experience. Don't get me wrong, by no means is my husband, or our marriage perfect, but the fact still remains, it is perfect for me! Though the stars are a wonderful after thought, I find that I no longer need to dream, because now my life is better than my dreams could ever be and I thank the Lord every day for such a wonderful gift in life he has blessed me with!...Until next time

Sometimes it hurts

Today is such a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the sky is so clear and blue, and there is a nice ocean breeze that is softly coming through my window and wrapping it warmth around me. With this day being so beautiful, it's hard for me to understand why inside I want to just scream at the top of my lungs and pull my hair?! Nothing is wrong, it's been a pretty easy going day, I have just been home relaxing with my nephew and he's been asleep for the past three hours so i know it's not because of him? In fact he's been the total opposite, whenever I'm with him he just makes me laugh with his crazy ways.

It's when I'm sitting here quietly alone with my thoughts that I start feeling so.......I don't know, I can't explain it; is it my depression rearing its ugly head? Maybe it's because I'm 30 years old and my life is nowhere where I wanted it to be by now? Maybe it's because I can't do the things that I so deep in my heart want to do like finish school, start a family with my husband, have my husbands things worked out,  have financial freedom, etc, etc? I don't know?! the only thing that I do know, is that God withholds things from us for our own good and if my life isn't the way I planned, then God has a good reason for it.......that reminds me.....want to hear God laugh......tell him YOUR plans......until next time beloved