Signs you are in an abusive relationship

I know this is probably a month too late (Domestic Violence Month was in October), I don't know why, but I just felt the need to really write about this.  Maybe it was because I heard something about someone I really care about that raised a red flag for me and I wanted to just get this out there, I don't know? but at any rate,  I wanted to do my public awareness and get this out to you all just in case this might be you?

Abuse does not come from just physical violence. On the contrary, there are many different types and most likely happen so subtly that the person being abused, doesn't even know they are in an abusive relationship?  I for one am a survivor of such a relationship and this is my story:

The relationship started romantically enough. I was 15 years old, starting life almost as an adult and getting my very first summer job.  It was at Six Flags Magic Mountain and it truly was magical for me.  I met many great friends and learned a lot about preparing for life and success through their work program.  The one thing they didn't prepare me for was summer love, which is where it should of stayed to be honest.

He worked with me at the ice cream shop in front of the park and he followed me around like a lost little puppy.  He would write me four paged love letters and wait for me until midnight until my shift ended so that he can walk me from the locker room, about 100 feet to the bus that was waiting to drive us back to school for pick up.  It all started innocently enough, with him telling me how beautiful and different I was. How special I was and how he just couldn't stop thinking about me and by the end of the summer, when it was time to head back to school, he was already telling me how much he loved me and didn't want to live without me.  Me being only 16 years old and new to this whole relationship and love thing, I told him I started having feeling for him too, but wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend and the only way he could possibly ever be with me was if he met my parents first.

I always used my parents to push guys away. It wasn't the first time guys had crushes on me or stalked me, etc. and I would always tell them, if they really wanted to be with me then they have to prove it by meeting my dad and asking his permission first and usually this would scare them all away so I was surprised when he drove from the valley, all the way to the top of the hill where I lived, which was like  30 miles difference.  I invited him to bible study that we had every week and he agreed to come, because he said he was Christian like I was and he even was part of his churches worship team.  I couldn't believe how perfect he was?! He was everything that I was looking for and I couldn't believe that he really wanted to be with me?

After some persuading, my parents agreed to let me date him and we go strong for a couple of years.  He romances me, buys me extravagant gifts and jewelry, takes me to concerts and places I've never been to before and pretty soon, we are talking marriage.  He tells me, we would be married in a chateau at dusk, in a garden lit with candles and for awhile, I truly believe that this would be my happily ever after, but then things started changing.

First it started with him always pulling my hair ties off my head, because he said he liked my hair better down.  So I said ok, no big deal, I will just wear my hair down?  Then when I would put my hair up because it was bothering me, he would get angry and yank it off and yell at me and say, "I told you I like your hair better down!"  caught off guard, I just submitted not knowing, I just went through a door I might not of been able to come back from?  He started cutting me off from my friends and family, saying they were all stupid idiots and he didn't like me hanging around them. Also, that once we got married, I was forbidden to ever see my family again.  Then he started dictating what outfits I should be wearing and if I didn't meet his expectations or I would defy him, he would punish me by not picking me up for a date, not calling me or being extremely rude to me.

I remember one time, we were sitting at the restaurant Fat Burgers and I read on the wall that they were there since 1947 and I told him, "Wow, can you imagine that back in time there were people just like us sitting here eating burgers?" and he looked at me with serious and angry eyes and started berating me, telling me," that was the most idiotic, stupidest thing that I ever heard, what are you an idiot?  Don't ever say dumb idiotic things like that to me ever again!!" and I remember there was a mother and her young daughter sitting at a table next to us and she just looked at me in astonishment and shock! As for me, I was absolutely humiliated and mortified so I just sunk down in my seat and stood quite as not to create a bigger scene.  But it wasn't until one time when we were at his house that I started realizing that maybe this guy really isn't the one for me?  We were horsing around and he suddenly grabbed me and put me in a head lock and started choke holding me.  Now I was VERY petite back then, I was a size 00 and only 97 lbs. where he was a professional boxer weighing in at 190 lbs of pure muscle which it was truly by the grace of God that I even made it out of this relationship.  My face was turning tomato red and I begged him to let me go, but he just started laughing and choking me harder, until I almost passed out, but luckily his brother heard the commotion and came in, so he released me.  He was chuckling to himself, where as for myself I managed to quickly crawl behind a nearby chair and was gasping for air and rubbing my neck, I yelled at him that he could have killed me, but he told me he was only playing around and wasn't really going to hurt me.  It was after that, I started believing I was in a bad relationship, but being my first relationship, I didn't know how to get out or how to handle it, and then he would start being nice to me again saying that it's not him, it's because he had to take steroids while he trained and it made him do things he wouldn't normally ever do and he would apologize to me and tell me how much he loved me, so again, I would just give him a second chance.  After four to five years of putting up with him, I think he started feeling remorseful or maybe he just got tired of me, so he decided to cheat on me with some stripper he met at his job and after cheating on me for a couple of months and his friends convincing him to have some curtiousy and break up with me, he decided on December 26, 2002 to break it off with me.

I was truly devastated and my heart literally broke into a billion pieces.  I felt like my world came crashing down around me and like there was no way my heart would ever find love again.  But then came my husband, who truly knew a gem when he saw one and took one look at me and....well you know the story, if not, check out my earlier blog :P.

I was lucky, and through the prayers and support of my loved ones, I was able to get out and away from this relationship.  But for so many, they are not as fortunate so please, if you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, let them know they are not alone and they don't have to be put through that.  If you want to know if you are in an abusive relationship, one site that is very informative is http://www.livestrong.com/article/18801-ten-signs-abusive-relationship/  this site also gives you a check list and support links that can help you out.

In the end, I am actually thankful for this relationship, I know it might sound harsh to hear, especially to those who are going through one or have been in one, but I try not to look at the bad, I am actually grateful and thank the Lord, because if I didn't go through such a bad relationship with such a wrong person, I really wouldn't of realized what a good relationship I have now, with MY Mr. RIGHT! Everytime, I get so mad at my husband, I think about this relationship and realize that I am mad at him for no real good reason, because regardless of anything he does to get me mad, he is a million times the man, Mr. Wrong ever was and he has proven it to me day after day for the last decade.  Until next time my beloved.....

HAIR today, gone tomorrow

Здравствуйте!,안녕하세요,Mabuhay!您好,Gahoozen, howber neflooten! Bonjour, Hallo and all those wonderful greetings from around the world!! Welcome back to my blog and for all of you that are new, thanks for joining us here at "What the Hell Happened to Russhelle?!" Where all we talk about is, literally, What The Hell Happened to Russhelle!!! I'm Russhelle by the way and I am so glad to see you all here :D!I know my past blogs have been a little dreary and down right depressing, but as I informed you all before, I DO struggle with depression and I have my good days and my bad, but can you blame me?
I thought I would lighten the mood with a crazy story that just happened to me that I thought you would all enjoy reading.  Okay, are you all tucked in and ready for tonight's story??
It all started two days ago when my beautiful cousin was celebrating her 18th birthday and I wanted to look nice for her party.  Like I said she is so beautiful, I didn't want to look even crappier standing next to her, but as you know I have been jobless for pretty much this whole year, so I decided to give myself a budget cut and volunteered my husband to be my stylist....that was my first mistake!!


This was me: Sweetie, do you want to play beauty parlor with me and cut my hair

My husband:  No! I don't know how to cut hair

Me: Come on, you cut everyones hair!

My husband: Yeah, but they are all guys, I don't know how to cut woman's hair

Me: (with baby doe eyes) Papa! just cut my hair, I trust you and if you mess up, it's okay, it's just hair it will grow back (That was my second mistake by the way)....plus, you only have to cut a quarter of an inch off, that's all I want, all you are going to do is trim it for me, cuz I can't see the back of my head (still looking at him with puppy dog eyes)

My husband: (because he's a sucker when I do puppy dog eyes at him) Okay fine, but just know I don't feel confident doing this!!

Me: Baby, it's only hair, you can do it, I believe in you, the cut is already there, all you have to do is trim it.

So off to the bathroom we went, me so excited to get pampered and my husband reluctantly following behind.  He brought out his professional hair equipment; his barber sheers, his electric shaver, the mirror, comb, etc. and he then proceeded to put the barber cloak around me.  With shaky hands, he put a comb in one hand and scissors in the other and began to cut my hair.

Me: Yay, your committed now babe, no turning back from this point

My husband: I'm telling you I don't know what I'm doing

Me: Babe it's easy, just follow the line of the cut on the bottom

Snip, snip, snip....I look at the back through the mirror ( Babe, make sure you cut my hair at an angle, because I want an A line hair cut)..snip, snip, snip... ( Babe, you're not cutting it in a straight line are you?)....my husband who is starting to get frustrated responds with, No!  I'm not!!..snip, snip, snip, snip (Babe, are you sure?!!)..my husband, I told you I don't want to do this, here look, it looks like S****!!!, he gives me the mirror.. (WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO??!!! I TOLD YOU I JUST WANTED IT TRIMMED, YOU DID A SQUARE BOX IN THE BACK!!!) my husband getting frustrated, here I can fix it....snip, snip, snip (BABE IT LOOKS TERRIBLE!!! FIX IT!!! This by the way was my third and biggest mistake)

He then brought out the electric shaver and began shaving the back of my head, (BABE, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING??!!! I TOLD YOU HOW TO CUT MY HAIR, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU DOING WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT??!!!  I GAVE YOU SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS, THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD TO DO, WHAT THE HECK!!!!) My husband getting even more frustrated, I told you I didn't want to F*** do this!! Do it yourself!! He throws the shaver in the sink and as I look around and there is hair EVERYWHERE!!!! on the floor, on the walls, even on the ceiling and I'm like, Babe if I could do it myself, don't you think I would!! I told you I can't see the back of my head, you can't leave me like this, I am so upset right now!! My husband responded with, well just go have someone do it and pay for it then.  Me on the verge of tears, grab the scissors and start cutting the sides to try and even out the monstrosity that is on top of my head.  We continue yelling at each other and my husband gives up and refuses to cut my hair.  I, after my failed attempt to fix it, give up as well and tell him to take me to a professional asap!!!  After I shower off whatever is left of my once beautiful locks, I find my husband and try to give him a hug, although he tries to reject me. I hug him anyway and tell him, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at my hair cut, it's not you, it's my hair cut I'm mad at, so we make up and he rushes me to the closest salon we could find.

When it is my turn to get into the stylist chair, she greets me and ask what brought me in? Before she could finish her sentence, I blurt out, I tried to give myself a budget cut and destroyed my hair and now I am in desparate need to fix it!! At that moment, I put down the hood I had on to cover my head and she just stands there in amazement and disbelief for a minute..... Wow!! Okay, so do you know how you want to cut it?  I told her just cut it all off!! and she asked,  So who cut the back??  I point over with my thumb as if to say "This guy over here!" and pointed her to my husband as I explained, I think where I went wrong was that I had too much confidence in him and he had too little and my husband shoots back with, I told you I didn't want to do it!!  The stylist laughs and sighs and then patiently holds my hand and guides me through my haircut.  In the end, she was able to salvage the top of my head, but had to shave the sides and the back, because, well, there was just no way of saving it!! I ended up with a pixie cut that both my husband and I are very happy with and afterwards we went straight to our cousins birthday party where everyone started calling me Halle Barry.

Now that I look back at this story, I don't know if it's really a happy story or a more traumatic one, but I guess the point of it is that we really shouldn't be so close to things because it can be "Hair"one day and gone tomorrow!!!! Until next time my friends...

Keeping the faith

Hello my wonderful friends around the world! Sorry I haven't been blogging in a while, so much has been happening that I just couldn't find the time; where should I begin?

Well as of right now, what is going on with me at this very moment is that I think I am getting attacked by a ghost flea or something??!! I woke up soooooo itchy and I have what looks like bites, but I can't find the corprate? aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I think I need to take a shower ASAP, because even my hair is starting to itch!!! now my ears..I hope it is just bites and not an allergic reaction because I can't afford any hospital bills right now! What else can happen though right?

At this point, pretty much everything that can go wrong has gone wrong.  I am still out of a job and through the grace of God, I have made it this far, but I recently checked our bank account and looking at it, I can barely pay the rent, let alone our bills and the only income I was counting on might be taken away, because I reached my maximum balance on my unemployment and I don't know if they are going to extend it?  I've been looking for a job like crazy, but like always, its the same story; either the position has already been filled and they will keep me in mind or they decide to go with another candidate.  Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhh, this is just so frustrating, I just want to give up and hide under a rock! But if I don't keep pushing through and getting my resume out there, I won't find a job and then my husband and I will most likely end up living in a van somewhere down by the river.


That's life though right?  It's not always so black and white or roses all around.  It's hard. And when you think that things can't get any  worse, it's just the icing on the cake.

I recently watched a movie at my aunts house called "October Baby." It's a Christian movie about a girl who was suppose to be abborted, but miraculously was born and then put up for adoption and to just give you the main message about the movie, it was about forgiveness and letting go.  I really felt like a connection with this movie, because there has been so many things that I have been holding on to that I need to learn to just let go, but that's another blog, I brought this up, because there was this one part, actually no, I stand corrected, there were TWO parts in the movie that just made me cry.  One part was that the girl got arrested and was telling the cop why she did what she did and the cop told her, "To be human is to be beautifully flawed." And when I heard that, I was like wow, that's a good quote, but it was the second part that really made it all make sense. It was where the girl felt lost and angry and ended up at this cathredal and she was telling the priest all of her problems and it's what the priest said that really broke down a wall for me. He said, "Life isn't always black and white or perfect, we need to know that things happen, things that will hurt us and are messy, but it's nobody's fault, we have to hate the crime, not the criminal.  To forgive is to be free and if you forgive so should the Son set you truly free.  When I heard these things, I was like wow! I eternalized it and realized that there were so many things that were holding me back, not because I was scared or sad or depressed, but because I couldn't let go.

I believe that I am human and with that fact, I am beautifully flawed in every way.  But with everything that is happening to me , both in the past and now in the present. I truly believe that it is for God's glory that in the future, when the Lord calls for it, I can be a servant and be a comfort and guiding light to those who are going through the same circumstances. Though it seems like I am in my darkest hour, I truly give God all the praises and glory, because truth be told, I asked for this!  Remember in my past blogs how I said God is a funny God, he gives you what you want but not exactly the way you want. But that's what's so awesome about God, he does it to show you not what you want, but what you need.  I asked the Lord to use me, to guide me, to help me to reach out to the multitudes, but I also asked the Lord, how can he use me?  I am just one person and I don't know how to reach out?  Then all this happened and here I am telling the world, about my Lord and Savior and how great he is!  Even though everything seems like it's upside down, I truly believe that God has a purpose and a plan for me and I trust in him that he will carry me through this on the wings of eagles and I will soar high above all of my tribulations.

Okay me beloved, I think I said enough for one sitting, my whole body is itching really badly and I think that's my que to let this go and take a COLD SHOWER!!!  I would love to hear feed back from anyone to see if anyone is actually reading these blogs or if I'm just throwing things out there into the universe? Until next time......

Helping Hands

My mother has always done everything she could to help her kids and those in need; This time it is her turn.  My mother is in desperate need of a new roof before the rain season comes and I am determined to help out in any way I can.

As you know I do not currently have a job right now, otherwise I would probably of fixed her roof myself. So I am doing the next best thing and going out into the world looking for charitable individuals that would be willing to help my mother out.  Her house was built from the ground up in 1950 by my grandfather and has not been worked on since his passing in 1985.  Her roof is literally collapsing down on her and I fear that when the rain starts coming down, so will her roof!!! If any of you my beloved friends and readers would like to donate or know of anyone that would like to donate, I have set up a fundraising site.  Please be advised though that there will be a little fee involved when you make your donation, but this is only to fund the site considering that there is no membership fee and this is just an awesome site for charities to raise funds..don't worry the fee is only like $2 or $3 not that much.....If you or anyone you know does donate, I truly thank you from the bottom to the top of my heart!!!! God Bless you....EVERYONE!!!!!!




http://www.crowdrise.com/russhelle

Drowning

I'm drowning as I gasp for air; all I get in return is nothing. I reach out for you, for anyone to save me, but there is nothing. All there is around me is darkness and nothingness. No hope, no salvation, no air, no nothing. When will it end? When will this agonizing pain stop? I slowly give up my fight and as I allow myself to be still, there I find my peace knowing no one will save me, no one will come, all that is left for me is to close my eyes and.........



how will this story end, you decide, should the heroin fight or just let go??

The Puuuurrrfect Pawty

Hallo my friends! So much has happened since we last spoke, I can't wait to tell you all about it! So as you know in my previous blog, I told you all that I was going to get crazy and throw my beloved pooch a birthday Pawty and asked if anyone wanted  a follow up? Some of you did message me and requested photos and I am not one to keep my readers in suspense so here it is:

The day as promised was well over 100 degrees, not to mention it was a dry heat so we were pretty miserable setting everything up as it was already 90 degrees at 9 in the morning!!!

My sister and her family were the first to arrive and nothing was set up yet, and we were still filling up our pool, but her kids couldn't wait so we just gave up at the halfway point and everyone jumped in.  It wasn't a fancy party, like I said before, I was on a budget and wanted to stick to it as close as possible.  We had hot dogs, we made some chili, chopped up some onions and laid out the condiments for the hot dog bar. We went to the market that day and were in luck, because they had a sale on corn which was 6 for $1 and I was like..."WHHHHAAAAAAAT?!" you don't have to tell me twice and I filled up my cart and we all got corn wasted ( it's like chocolate wasted, but with corn :P) I also bought a salad and watermelon, along with some chips so people had some options.  I also had everything for the ice cream bar, but the day was soooo hot the ice cream started melting so we had to keep it in the fridge. Besides the heat, and a couple of other hiccups we had. I would say it was a pretty successful party, considering it was my first doggy party?!

 As for my budget..Did I stick to it? Lets see?  We had a Scooby Doo themed party, complete with Scooby Doo party packs for each guest (10 party favors), Scooby Doo tattoos and a Scooby Doo Ring Toss Game and stickers and prizes, that came out to a total of $12.  Food was the most expensive, I bought 18 cobbs of corn at 6/$1 , watermelon was $5, chili beans were $8, chips $3, drinks $3, ice $10, salad $6, ice cream $6, whip cream $3, chopped peanuts $3, Fudge syrup and caramel syrup $3, popsicles $3, hot dogs $4, ice cream cones and bowls $4, so did I make my budget? I don't know; I'm horrible at math, but as long as I'm under $100 I think I did an awesome job with all things considered :P My husband was kind enough to bake the cake and cupcakes for Homer and his pals and all in all, I think it was a huge success, but I will let you all decide, here are just a couple of pictures I took on my Homers special day, hope you enjoy:

this is Homer anxiously awaiting his guests arrival

Everyone was getting Scooby Doo tattoos and my brother thought the birthday boy should get one too

This is Homer with his first tattoo....they grow up so fast...tear ;(

Homers Birthday cake, he ate a cupcake though :P

Homer's pal Goose came by to wish him Happy Birthday

Can't be a party without Hunter

Homer's pal Ducky joined the pool party as well

Homer got so many gifts <3

I think this one was his favorite...

A brand new big rope to play with...

I love this picture of Homer and his best friend Red

They had so much fun together

After a looooong hot day of partying, they finally sat down to rest <3

The time I pranked the whole school

Hallo, my friends around the world; how the heck are you? As for me not so great....my aunt Flo is currently visiting and whenever she comes, she makes my life a living hell!!! I feel so tired and worn out and grumpy when she comes!

 Anyway, let me get to why I'm here. I was going through memory lane right now for some random reason and started remembering about the time I inadvertently pranked the whole school! I say inadvertently, because to be honest I just wanted to prank my best friend for the fun of it, but it ended up being Epic!!! So let me tell you how it all started:

I was 13 years old in Junior High School and my best friend and I would walk to and from school everyday. One day, I forgot why, but I decided it would be funny to mess with my best friend. So as you already know, I come from a BIG family of 9 brothers and sisters, so as far as space and privacy goes, you take what you can get. so for me, I slept in the closet!! Don't worry friends, it was a pretty decent sized closet with sliding doors and everything. But my dearly beloved late uncle thought that it was so inappropriate for me to sleep there, so he told me he was going to knock down the closet and give my a decent bed. I also knew that I had a doctors appointment the next day so I wouldn't be going to school; Knowing this, I pre-set the prank.

The day before my actual prank, I acted like a was so sad when my BFF picked me up for school and as we hiked the three miles, I explained about how my parents and I got into this "horrible" fight and that they said they were going to send me away to go live with my aunts, I forgot where I said; I think I told her the Phillipines or somewhere far away?! I guess I was a good actress, because she believed me. well at first she didn't, she just kept saying " shut up, quit messing with me!" But things couldn't of gone better in my evil mastermind plot, because when we walked home and got to my house, ALL of my bedroom furniture was in the front yard and there was a bunch of banging and stuff coming from inside my house. As I turned to my friend, her eyes became enlarged and started to flood with tears. " Oh my gosh, you weren't lying!!!" Don't go!" and with that she started crying. I started acting really sad and said, " there's nothing I can do, it looks like they already made up their minds, you better not come over though, because they are probably still mad and it will just get worse!" With that I hugged her goodbye and she told me to call her incase they changed their minds. On that note, I made a sad face and ran into the house. The next day as planned, I called my best friend to tell her not to come and pick me up, because I wasn't going to school. On the other end of the line I could hear her trying to hold back tears, "they made you leave?" Oh yeah, I said, "I tried to tell them I would be good, but they said they had enough and my aunt came last night and picked me up." So we hung up and I laughed to myself at how good I was getting her.

The next day I met my friend at the corner of my street and when she saw me, her eyes grew large again, but this time with joy and she ran and hugged me. " You're back!!!" As she hugged me tightly, I confessed, " we'll actually it was a joke, GOT YOU!!!" next thing I knew I was getting punched in the arm and choked, " ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I WAS SO SAD! I TOLD EVERYONE YOU MOVED AWAY!!!"  " What are you talking about?" I said while gasping for air and rubbing my arm and neck. "Yeah, I was so sad and I told everyone you moved so everyone thinks you moved away. " Shut up!" I said, who did you tell?" I told EVERYONE, Mr. Elmonte was especially sad. I was like, " no way!" But when I got to school, I was immediately greeted with, " I thought you moved away, what are you doing here?" then when I got to my first class, which right next door to Mr. Elmontes room, I noticed Mr. Elmonte talking to my first period teacher, but his back was to me. I walked to my desk when I noticed my first period teacher look at me and a huge smile flashed on her face. She then looked at Mr. Elmonte and nodded her head towards me. As he turned around and realized she was smiling at me, a huge smile flashed on his face and excitement overcame him. " Hey, we all thought you moved away, what are you doing here??!!!" I know, I know, I've been getting that all day, I know when I'm not wanted.... " No, no, we were all so sad when we heard you moved away, you got us good!" My best friend in the back of the classroom chimed in as well, " yeah, she got me good too I'm so mad at her!!" We all started to laugh and for the next couple of days, I had students and staff members asking me, " I thought you moved, what are you doing here?!" So yeah, I guess you can say both my best friend and I got pranked and together we Both pranked the school...teehee. So that's the story about when we pranked the school, okay I'm hot and uncomfortable now, so I'm going to go try and cool off with some ice cream or something...Oh yeah tomorrow's Homers birthday party and it's going to be another scorcher ( over 100 degrees) so yeah, I'll let you now what happens tomorrow..until next time my friends......