Signs you are in an abusive relationship

I know this is probably a month too late (Domestic Violence Month was in October), I don't know why, but I just felt the need to really write about this.  Maybe it was because I heard something about someone I really care about that raised a red flag for me and I wanted to just get this out there, I don't know? but at any rate,  I wanted to do my public awareness and get this out to you all just in case this might be you?

Abuse does not come from just physical violence. On the contrary, there are many different types and most likely happen so subtly that the person being abused, doesn't even know they are in an abusive relationship?  I for one am a survivor of such a relationship and this is my story:

The relationship started romantically enough. I was 15 years old, starting life almost as an adult and getting my very first summer job.  It was at Six Flags Magic Mountain and it truly was magical for me.  I met many great friends and learned a lot about preparing for life and success through their work program.  The one thing they didn't prepare me for was summer love, which is where it should of stayed to be honest.

He worked with me at the ice cream shop in front of the park and he followed me around like a lost little puppy.  He would write me four paged love letters and wait for me until midnight until my shift ended so that he can walk me from the locker room, about 100 feet to the bus that was waiting to drive us back to school for pick up.  It all started innocently enough, with him telling me how beautiful and different I was. How special I was and how he just couldn't stop thinking about me and by the end of the summer, when it was time to head back to school, he was already telling me how much he loved me and didn't want to live without me.  Me being only 16 years old and new to this whole relationship and love thing, I told him I started having feeling for him too, but wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend and the only way he could possibly ever be with me was if he met my parents first.

I always used my parents to push guys away. It wasn't the first time guys had crushes on me or stalked me, etc. and I would always tell them, if they really wanted to be with me then they have to prove it by meeting my dad and asking his permission first and usually this would scare them all away so I was surprised when he drove from the valley, all the way to the top of the hill where I lived, which was like  30 miles difference.  I invited him to bible study that we had every week and he agreed to come, because he said he was Christian like I was and he even was part of his churches worship team.  I couldn't believe how perfect he was?! He was everything that I was looking for and I couldn't believe that he really wanted to be with me?

After some persuading, my parents agreed to let me date him and we go strong for a couple of years.  He romances me, buys me extravagant gifts and jewelry, takes me to concerts and places I've never been to before and pretty soon, we are talking marriage.  He tells me, we would be married in a chateau at dusk, in a garden lit with candles and for awhile, I truly believe that this would be my happily ever after, but then things started changing.

First it started with him always pulling my hair ties off my head, because he said he liked my hair better down.  So I said ok, no big deal, I will just wear my hair down?  Then when I would put my hair up because it was bothering me, he would get angry and yank it off and yell at me and say, "I told you I like your hair better down!"  caught off guard, I just submitted not knowing, I just went through a door I might not of been able to come back from?  He started cutting me off from my friends and family, saying they were all stupid idiots and he didn't like me hanging around them. Also, that once we got married, I was forbidden to ever see my family again.  Then he started dictating what outfits I should be wearing and if I didn't meet his expectations or I would defy him, he would punish me by not picking me up for a date, not calling me or being extremely rude to me.

I remember one time, we were sitting at the restaurant Fat Burgers and I read on the wall that they were there since 1947 and I told him, "Wow, can you imagine that back in time there were people just like us sitting here eating burgers?" and he looked at me with serious and angry eyes and started berating me, telling me," that was the most idiotic, stupidest thing that I ever heard, what are you an idiot?  Don't ever say dumb idiotic things like that to me ever again!!" and I remember there was a mother and her young daughter sitting at a table next to us and she just looked at me in astonishment and shock! As for me, I was absolutely humiliated and mortified so I just sunk down in my seat and stood quite as not to create a bigger scene.  But it wasn't until one time when we were at his house that I started realizing that maybe this guy really isn't the one for me?  We were horsing around and he suddenly grabbed me and put me in a head lock and started choke holding me.  Now I was VERY petite back then, I was a size 00 and only 97 lbs. where he was a professional boxer weighing in at 190 lbs of pure muscle which it was truly by the grace of God that I even made it out of this relationship.  My face was turning tomato red and I begged him to let me go, but he just started laughing and choking me harder, until I almost passed out, but luckily his brother heard the commotion and came in, so he released me.  He was chuckling to himself, where as for myself I managed to quickly crawl behind a nearby chair and was gasping for air and rubbing my neck, I yelled at him that he could have killed me, but he told me he was only playing around and wasn't really going to hurt me.  It was after that, I started believing I was in a bad relationship, but being my first relationship, I didn't know how to get out or how to handle it, and then he would start being nice to me again saying that it's not him, it's because he had to take steroids while he trained and it made him do things he wouldn't normally ever do and he would apologize to me and tell me how much he loved me, so again, I would just give him a second chance.  After four to five years of putting up with him, I think he started feeling remorseful or maybe he just got tired of me, so he decided to cheat on me with some stripper he met at his job and after cheating on me for a couple of months and his friends convincing him to have some curtiousy and break up with me, he decided on December 26, 2002 to break it off with me.

I was truly devastated and my heart literally broke into a billion pieces.  I felt like my world came crashing down around me and like there was no way my heart would ever find love again.  But then came my husband, who truly knew a gem when he saw one and took one look at me and....well you know the story, if not, check out my earlier blog :P.

I was lucky, and through the prayers and support of my loved ones, I was able to get out and away from this relationship.  But for so many, they are not as fortunate so please, if you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, let them know they are not alone and they don't have to be put through that.  If you want to know if you are in an abusive relationship, one site that is very informative is http://www.livestrong.com/article/18801-ten-signs-abusive-relationship/  this site also gives you a check list and support links that can help you out.

In the end, I am actually thankful for this relationship, I know it might sound harsh to hear, especially to those who are going through one or have been in one, but I try not to look at the bad, I am actually grateful and thank the Lord, because if I didn't go through such a bad relationship with such a wrong person, I really wouldn't of realized what a good relationship I have now, with MY Mr. RIGHT! Everytime, I get so mad at my husband, I think about this relationship and realize that I am mad at him for no real good reason, because regardless of anything he does to get me mad, he is a million times the man, Mr. Wrong ever was and he has proven it to me day after day for the last decade.  Until next time my beloved.....