My Confession

Sorry I haven't been on for so long, I seem to be in an existential crisis at the moment. As my birthday approaches and everyone is pointing out my actual age (I'm in my thirties, even though everyone still thinks I'm 19..That's right...I got the forever looking young genes LOL) anyway, I was in my philosophy class today and the topic was on Tolstoy and the meaning of life.

If you do not know who Leo Tolstoy is, I suggest you Google him now, because he was only regarded as one of the greatest authors of all time. I would tell you his biography, but there is too much to tell and such little time that you can just simply click on the links I provided and it will lead you to what you need to know. The reason for my blogging is that in class, the professor asked if anyone knew who Tolstoy was? When he asked, only like 3 people raised their hands.  Now mind you, this is a class of 159 students and only THREE people aside from the Professor knew of the author that not only penned War and Peace, Anna Karenina and countless others, but also was a genius in his own right. The reason the professor asked, was because Tolstoy wrote in his bibliography, a portion called "My Confession," which was at a point in his life where he became deeply depressed and started to ponder what the point of his life was?  To paraphrase his argument, his conclusion was "What was the meaning of life if in the end there is just death, rot and worms?"

As I sat there, pondering his argument, I started to ponder my own life.  WHAT WAS THE POINT? I have entertained this question more than I care to share at this point, but I too have been conflicted with the same disposition as Tolstoy in trying to figure out what the purpose was for everything? I mean, why did I even start this blog to begin with? I started it because I wanted to share my story and let people that were going through the same thing know that there is hope and happiness at the end of the tunnel....but then what? Will anyone remember me 5 generations from now after I am long dead and gone, or will they forget me as if I never existed like Tolstoy? Why am I working, fighting and torturing myself to finish school? So I can work...and then what? So I can be successful in life and have all the things that I so desired and to provide a legacy to my future bloodline...and then what?

No matter what we do, or how hard we try.....We all die in the end! Just some get there sooner than others. It made me think of my life and how I've stressed out and gotten sick health wise for so long and started to think....was it all worth it? IS it still worth it?  I feel like some points in my life have been a total waste of time and those are moments of my life that I will never get back! But still...What is the point, if all it leads to is death?

But then I started meditating on the Lord and you know what..everything DOES have a point and my life is meaningful! Death does not have victory, but CHRIST who conquered death, so that we can have ETERNAL LIFE (1 John 5:13; 1 John 5:5; Galatians 2:20). Whenever we start to doubt the Lord, the bible says: But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind (James 1:6)." It also says, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). It is the purpose of my life to serve the Lord my God and it is He that gives me meaning and reasons to live. On that note, don't ever think that your life is meaningless or hopeless, yes one day you will be dead and basically worm food, but until then, your life means something and it is worth a whole lot more than you even realize.