I'm drowning as I gasp for air; all I get in return is nothing. I reach out for you, for anyone to save me, but there is nothing. All there is around me is darkness and nothingness. No hope, no salvation, no air, no nothing. When will it end? When will this agonizing pain stop? I slowly give up my fight and as I allow myself to be still, there I find my peace knowing no one will save me, no one will come, all that is left for me is to close my eyes and.........
how will this story end, you decide, should the heroin fight or just let go??
Friday, September 28, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The Puuuurrrfect Pawty
Hallo my friends! So much has happened since we last spoke, I can't wait to tell you all about it! So as you know in my previous blog, I told you all that I was going to get crazy and throw my beloved pooch a birthday Pawty and asked if anyone wanted a follow up? Some of you did message me and requested photos and I am not one to keep my readers in suspense so here it is:
The day as promised was well over 100 degrees, not to mention it was a dry heat so we were pretty miserable setting everything up as it was already 90 degrees at 9 in the morning!!!
My sister and her family were the first to arrive and nothing was set up yet, and we were still filling up our pool, but her kids couldn't wait so we just gave up at the halfway point and everyone jumped in. It wasn't a fancy party, like I said before, I was on a budget and wanted to stick to it as close as possible. We had hot dogs, we made some chili, chopped up some onions and laid out the condiments for the hot dog bar. We went to the market that day and were in luck, because they had a sale on corn which was 6 for $1 and I was like..."WHHHHAAAAAAAT?!" you don't have to tell me twice and I filled up my cart and we all got corn wasted ( it's like chocolate wasted, but with corn :P) I also bought a salad and watermelon, along with some chips so people had some options. I also had everything for the ice cream bar, but the day was soooo hot the ice cream started melting so we had to keep it in the fridge. Besides the heat, and a couple of other hiccups we had. I would say it was a pretty successful party, considering it was my first doggy party?!
As for my budget..Did I stick to it? Lets see? We had a Scooby Doo themed party, complete with Scooby Doo party packs for each guest (10 party favors), Scooby Doo tattoos and a Scooby Doo Ring Toss Game and stickers and prizes, that came out to a total of $12. Food was the most expensive, I bought 18 cobbs of corn at 6/$1 , watermelon was $5, chili beans were $8, chips $3, drinks $3, ice $10, salad $6, ice cream $6, whip cream $3, chopped peanuts $3, Fudge syrup and caramel syrup $3, popsicles $3, hot dogs $4, ice cream cones and bowls $4, so did I make my budget? I don't know; I'm horrible at math, but as long as I'm under $100 I think I did an awesome job with all things considered :P My husband was kind enough to bake the cake and cupcakes for Homer and his pals and all in all, I think it was a huge success, but I will let you all decide, here are just a couple of pictures I took on my Homers special day, hope you enjoy:
The day as promised was well over 100 degrees, not to mention it was a dry heat so we were pretty miserable setting everything up as it was already 90 degrees at 9 in the morning!!!
My sister and her family were the first to arrive and nothing was set up yet, and we were still filling up our pool, but her kids couldn't wait so we just gave up at the halfway point and everyone jumped in. It wasn't a fancy party, like I said before, I was on a budget and wanted to stick to it as close as possible. We had hot dogs, we made some chili, chopped up some onions and laid out the condiments for the hot dog bar. We went to the market that day and were in luck, because they had a sale on corn which was 6 for $1 and I was like..."WHHHHAAAAAAAT?!" you don't have to tell me twice and I filled up my cart and we all got corn wasted ( it's like chocolate wasted, but with corn :P) I also bought a salad and watermelon, along with some chips so people had some options. I also had everything for the ice cream bar, but the day was soooo hot the ice cream started melting so we had to keep it in the fridge. Besides the heat, and a couple of other hiccups we had. I would say it was a pretty successful party, considering it was my first doggy party?!
As for my budget..Did I stick to it? Lets see? We had a Scooby Doo themed party, complete with Scooby Doo party packs for each guest (10 party favors), Scooby Doo tattoos and a Scooby Doo Ring Toss Game and stickers and prizes, that came out to a total of $12. Food was the most expensive, I bought 18 cobbs of corn at 6/$1 , watermelon was $5, chili beans were $8, chips $3, drinks $3, ice $10, salad $6, ice cream $6, whip cream $3, chopped peanuts $3, Fudge syrup and caramel syrup $3, popsicles $3, hot dogs $4, ice cream cones and bowls $4, so did I make my budget? I don't know; I'm horrible at math, but as long as I'm under $100 I think I did an awesome job with all things considered :P My husband was kind enough to bake the cake and cupcakes for Homer and his pals and all in all, I think it was a huge success, but I will let you all decide, here are just a couple of pictures I took on my Homers special day, hope you enjoy:
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| this is Homer anxiously awaiting his guests arrival |
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| Everyone was getting Scooby Doo tattoos and my brother thought the birthday boy should get one too |
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| This is Homer with his first tattoo....they grow up so fast...tear ;( |
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| Homers Birthday cake, he ate a cupcake though :P |
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| Homer's pal Goose came by to wish him Happy Birthday |
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| Can't be a party without Hunter |
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| Homer's pal Ducky joined the pool party as well |
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| Homer got so many gifts <3 |
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| I think this one was his favorite... |
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| A brand new big rope to play with... |
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| I love this picture of Homer and his best friend Red |
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| They had so much fun together |
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| After a looooong hot day of partying, they finally sat down to rest <3 |
Friday, September 14, 2012
The time I pranked the whole school
Hallo, my friends around the world; how the heck are you? As for me not so great....my aunt Flo is currently visiting and whenever she comes, she makes my life a living hell!!! I feel so tired and worn out and grumpy when she comes!
Anyway, let me get to why I'm here. I was going through memory lane right now for some random reason and started remembering about the time I inadvertently pranked the whole school! I say inadvertently, because to be honest I just wanted to prank my best friend for the fun of it, but it ended up being Epic!!! So let me tell you how it all started:
I was 13 years old in Junior High School and my best friend and I would walk to and from school everyday. One day, I forgot why, but I decided it would be funny to mess with my best friend. So as you already know, I come from a BIG family of 9 brothers and sisters, so as far as space and privacy goes, you take what you can get. so for me, I slept in the closet!! Don't worry friends, it was a pretty decent sized closet with sliding doors and everything. But my dearly beloved late uncle thought that it was so inappropriate for me to sleep there, so he told me he was going to knock down the closet and give my a decent bed. I also knew that I had a doctors appointment the next day so I wouldn't be going to school; Knowing this, I pre-set the prank.
The day before my actual prank, I acted like a was so sad when my BFF picked me up for school and as we hiked the three miles, I explained about how my parents and I got into this "horrible" fight and that they said they were going to send me away to go live with my aunts, I forgot where I said; I think I told her the Phillipines or somewhere far away?! I guess I was a good actress, because she believed me. well at first she didn't, she just kept saying " shut up, quit messing with me!" But things couldn't of gone better in my evil mastermind plot, because when we walked home and got to my house, ALL of my bedroom furniture was in the front yard and there was a bunch of banging and stuff coming from inside my house. As I turned to my friend, her eyes became enlarged and started to flood with tears. " Oh my gosh, you weren't lying!!!" Don't go!" and with that she started crying. I started acting really sad and said, " there's nothing I can do, it looks like they already made up their minds, you better not come over though, because they are probably still mad and it will just get worse!" With that I hugged her goodbye and she told me to call her incase they changed their minds. On that note, I made a sad face and ran into the house. The next day as planned, I called my best friend to tell her not to come and pick me up, because I wasn't going to school. On the other end of the line I could hear her trying to hold back tears, "they made you leave?" Oh yeah, I said, "I tried to tell them I would be good, but they said they had enough and my aunt came last night and picked me up." So we hung up and I laughed to myself at how good I was getting her.
The next day I met my friend at the corner of my street and when she saw me, her eyes grew large again, but this time with joy and she ran and hugged me. " You're back!!!" As she hugged me tightly, I confessed, " we'll actually it was a joke, GOT YOU!!!" next thing I knew I was getting punched in the arm and choked, " ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I WAS SO SAD! I TOLD EVERYONE YOU MOVED AWAY!!!" " What are you talking about?" I said while gasping for air and rubbing my arm and neck. "Yeah, I was so sad and I told everyone you moved so everyone thinks you moved away. " Shut up!" I said, who did you tell?" I told EVERYONE, Mr. Elmonte was especially sad. I was like, " no way!" But when I got to school, I was immediately greeted with, " I thought you moved away, what are you doing here?" then when I got to my first class, which right next door to Mr. Elmontes room, I noticed Mr. Elmonte talking to my first period teacher, but his back was to me. I walked to my desk when I noticed my first period teacher look at me and a huge smile flashed on her face. She then looked at Mr. Elmonte and nodded her head towards me. As he turned around and realized she was smiling at me, a huge smile flashed on his face and excitement overcame him. " Hey, we all thought you moved away, what are you doing here??!!!" I know, I know, I've been getting that all day, I know when I'm not wanted.... " No, no, we were all so sad when we heard you moved away, you got us good!" My best friend in the back of the classroom chimed in as well, " yeah, she got me good too I'm so mad at her!!" We all started to laugh and for the next couple of days, I had students and staff members asking me, " I thought you moved, what are you doing here?!" So yeah, I guess you can say both my best friend and I got pranked and together we Both pranked the school...teehee. So that's the story about when we pranked the school, okay I'm hot and uncomfortable now, so I'm going to go try and cool off with some ice cream or something...Oh yeah tomorrow's Homers birthday party and it's going to be another scorcher ( over 100 degrees) so yeah, I'll let you now what happens tomorrow..until next time my friends......
Anyway, let me get to why I'm here. I was going through memory lane right now for some random reason and started remembering about the time I inadvertently pranked the whole school! I say inadvertently, because to be honest I just wanted to prank my best friend for the fun of it, but it ended up being Epic!!! So let me tell you how it all started:
I was 13 years old in Junior High School and my best friend and I would walk to and from school everyday. One day, I forgot why, but I decided it would be funny to mess with my best friend. So as you already know, I come from a BIG family of 9 brothers and sisters, so as far as space and privacy goes, you take what you can get. so for me, I slept in the closet!! Don't worry friends, it was a pretty decent sized closet with sliding doors and everything. But my dearly beloved late uncle thought that it was so inappropriate for me to sleep there, so he told me he was going to knock down the closet and give my a decent bed. I also knew that I had a doctors appointment the next day so I wouldn't be going to school; Knowing this, I pre-set the prank.
The day before my actual prank, I acted like a was so sad when my BFF picked me up for school and as we hiked the three miles, I explained about how my parents and I got into this "horrible" fight and that they said they were going to send me away to go live with my aunts, I forgot where I said; I think I told her the Phillipines or somewhere far away?! I guess I was a good actress, because she believed me. well at first she didn't, she just kept saying " shut up, quit messing with me!" But things couldn't of gone better in my evil mastermind plot, because when we walked home and got to my house, ALL of my bedroom furniture was in the front yard and there was a bunch of banging and stuff coming from inside my house. As I turned to my friend, her eyes became enlarged and started to flood with tears. " Oh my gosh, you weren't lying!!!" Don't go!" and with that she started crying. I started acting really sad and said, " there's nothing I can do, it looks like they already made up their minds, you better not come over though, because they are probably still mad and it will just get worse!" With that I hugged her goodbye and she told me to call her incase they changed their minds. On that note, I made a sad face and ran into the house. The next day as planned, I called my best friend to tell her not to come and pick me up, because I wasn't going to school. On the other end of the line I could hear her trying to hold back tears, "they made you leave?" Oh yeah, I said, "I tried to tell them I would be good, but they said they had enough and my aunt came last night and picked me up." So we hung up and I laughed to myself at how good I was getting her.
The next day I met my friend at the corner of my street and when she saw me, her eyes grew large again, but this time with joy and she ran and hugged me. " You're back!!!" As she hugged me tightly, I confessed, " we'll actually it was a joke, GOT YOU!!!" next thing I knew I was getting punched in the arm and choked, " ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I WAS SO SAD! I TOLD EVERYONE YOU MOVED AWAY!!!" " What are you talking about?" I said while gasping for air and rubbing my arm and neck. "Yeah, I was so sad and I told everyone you moved so everyone thinks you moved away. " Shut up!" I said, who did you tell?" I told EVERYONE, Mr. Elmonte was especially sad. I was like, " no way!" But when I got to school, I was immediately greeted with, " I thought you moved away, what are you doing here?" then when I got to my first class, which right next door to Mr. Elmontes room, I noticed Mr. Elmonte talking to my first period teacher, but his back was to me. I walked to my desk when I noticed my first period teacher look at me and a huge smile flashed on her face. She then looked at Mr. Elmonte and nodded her head towards me. As he turned around and realized she was smiling at me, a huge smile flashed on his face and excitement overcame him. " Hey, we all thought you moved away, what are you doing here??!!!" I know, I know, I've been getting that all day, I know when I'm not wanted.... " No, no, we were all so sad when we heard you moved away, you got us good!" My best friend in the back of the classroom chimed in as well, " yeah, she got me good too I'm so mad at her!!" We all started to laugh and for the next couple of days, I had students and staff members asking me, " I thought you moved, what are you doing here?!" So yeah, I guess you can say both my best friend and I got pranked and together we Both pranked the school...teehee. So that's the story about when we pranked the school, okay I'm hot and uncomfortable now, so I'm going to go try and cool off with some ice cream or something...Oh yeah tomorrow's Homers birthday party and it's going to be another scorcher ( over 100 degrees) so yeah, I'll let you now what happens tomorrow..until next time my friends......
Saturday, September 1, 2012
What the heck; Why not?!!
Hallo, Wie Ghet es ihnen? Здравствуйте, Доброе утро, Добрый день, Добрый вечер, 환영합니다, and all those other greetings around the world! How is everyone? As for me, I'm crazy as usual!
So you know how I've been going through a lot of things the last couple of years and since, I lost my job back in March and haven't been able to find one yet, I have been having a lot of time on my hands. Like I said in my previous blog, I have been painting, writing, gardening and just trying to find the old me, I used to be. Well, I think I am finally getting back to that crazy girl, because I have decided that I am going to throw my puppy (He is actually two years old, but just like any mother with their child, he will always be my baby) a birthday pawty!! This is totally something the old Russhelle would do, but I never had the time or the energy, because I was always too busy or stressed out from work.
This party is going to be epic! Since we are still in Summertime and it has been so hot (100 degrees or more lately), I decided to have an ice cream social! I love it, I love it, I love it, I am dancing in my seat as I type, because I am so excited! Oh hey, it just hit me; have I ever told you about my baby pup Homer? What, I never?!! I can't believe it? Well, he is a Boxer Pit mix, with a missing toe and 70 lbs of love!! He truly has been one of the greatest joys in my life! Like I said in previous blogs, I got really depressed which is why my husband got him for me and from the moment I laid eyes on him, it was love at first site <3
I remember it like yesterday, it was the end of the year in December. I was really depressed and at some points catatonic. My husband and brother didn't know how to break me out of it and then God took control and my cousin put a message on facebook about needing to find a home for this dog that literally fell in his arms. I seen pictures of him and told my husband I had to have him! My husband really didn't want to, but he seen how much I needed this and agreed to at least let me see the puppy in person. When I went to my cousins house, which was a two hour drive away, it was night time and he just peed on the floor and ran into his house because he knew he was going to get spanked. My cousin yelled at him, but I knelt down on my knees and looked into the house at this little 3 month old angel, shaking, I smiled (which is something I didn't do in awhile at the time) and gently put my hand out to him. The next thing I knew, he was jumping on me and licking my face and I started to laugh; We were at the point of no return and my husband knew it. So begrudgingly, he accepted the puppy and it has been a crazy ride since! I always wanted a big dog, but I had no idea what that would entail? Big dogs mean bigger messes and boy can HE EAT!! But over all, he has giving me joy back into my life and for that I will always be grateful for him. So now that you know why I love him so much, you know why I MUST throw him a birthday Pawty!!
So back to the fun stuff! I am going to have an ice cream bar, where guess will have their choice of ice cream cones, sundeas or banana splits. A hot dog bar where they can make either chili dogs, regular hot dogs or any other kind of dog their hearts desire and a bunch of other treats for humans and canines alike! For games, I am thinking a ring toss, tug a war with Homer and have a "Best Doggy trick" contest. Homer and I also plan to raise awareness about pet adoptions and needs at animal shelters, so I am also including in the invites that as a gift idea, they can make donations to local animal shelters in Homers name. This is my first Doggy Pawty and I just hope that it turns out as awesome as I have it planned in my head? If you guys want, I will do a follow up blog with pictures from the party...that's if you guys want, let me know through comments. Okay, I have to get back to my party planning..Oh wait, I didn't tell you the best part! So since I am unemployed, I plan to make this party as awesome and low budget as possible which is my personal challenge I gave myself. I am giving myself a budget of NO MORE THAN $60, do you guys think I can pull it off? Let's see if Russhelle can keep to her budget while throwing an awesome Ice Cream social Birthday Pawty??!!!! Until next time my friends...
this is my Homer at 1 year <3
So you know how I've been going through a lot of things the last couple of years and since, I lost my job back in March and haven't been able to find one yet, I have been having a lot of time on my hands. Like I said in my previous blog, I have been painting, writing, gardening and just trying to find the old me, I used to be. Well, I think I am finally getting back to that crazy girl, because I have decided that I am going to throw my puppy (He is actually two years old, but just like any mother with their child, he will always be my baby) a birthday pawty!! This is totally something the old Russhelle would do, but I never had the time or the energy, because I was always too busy or stressed out from work.
This party is going to be epic! Since we are still in Summertime and it has been so hot (100 degrees or more lately), I decided to have an ice cream social! I love it, I love it, I love it, I am dancing in my seat as I type, because I am so excited! Oh hey, it just hit me; have I ever told you about my baby pup Homer? What, I never?!! I can't believe it? Well, he is a Boxer Pit mix, with a missing toe and 70 lbs of love!! He truly has been one of the greatest joys in my life! Like I said in previous blogs, I got really depressed which is why my husband got him for me and from the moment I laid eyes on him, it was love at first site <3
I remember it like yesterday, it was the end of the year in December. I was really depressed and at some points catatonic. My husband and brother didn't know how to break me out of it and then God took control and my cousin put a message on facebook about needing to find a home for this dog that literally fell in his arms. I seen pictures of him and told my husband I had to have him! My husband really didn't want to, but he seen how much I needed this and agreed to at least let me see the puppy in person. When I went to my cousins house, which was a two hour drive away, it was night time and he just peed on the floor and ran into his house because he knew he was going to get spanked. My cousin yelled at him, but I knelt down on my knees and looked into the house at this little 3 month old angel, shaking, I smiled (which is something I didn't do in awhile at the time) and gently put my hand out to him. The next thing I knew, he was jumping on me and licking my face and I started to laugh; We were at the point of no return and my husband knew it. So begrudgingly, he accepted the puppy and it has been a crazy ride since! I always wanted a big dog, but I had no idea what that would entail? Big dogs mean bigger messes and boy can HE EAT!! But over all, he has giving me joy back into my life and for that I will always be grateful for him. So now that you know why I love him so much, you know why I MUST throw him a birthday Pawty!!
So back to the fun stuff! I am going to have an ice cream bar, where guess will have their choice of ice cream cones, sundeas or banana splits. A hot dog bar where they can make either chili dogs, regular hot dogs or any other kind of dog their hearts desire and a bunch of other treats for humans and canines alike! For games, I am thinking a ring toss, tug a war with Homer and have a "Best Doggy trick" contest. Homer and I also plan to raise awareness about pet adoptions and needs at animal shelters, so I am also including in the invites that as a gift idea, they can make donations to local animal shelters in Homers name. This is my first Doggy Pawty and I just hope that it turns out as awesome as I have it planned in my head? If you guys want, I will do a follow up blog with pictures from the party...that's if you guys want, let me know through comments. Okay, I have to get back to my party planning..Oh wait, I didn't tell you the best part! So since I am unemployed, I plan to make this party as awesome and low budget as possible which is my personal challenge I gave myself. I am giving myself a budget of NO MORE THAN $60, do you guys think I can pull it off? Let's see if Russhelle can keep to her budget while throwing an awesome Ice Cream social Birthday Pawty??!!!! Until next time my friends...
this is my Homer at 1 year <3Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The time a June bug tried to fly up my butt!!
Hallo my many friends that might just exist inside my head!! Sorry it's been awhile since I last blogged, I AM NOT A SUMMER PERSON!! uuggghhhh the sun just drains me I need to come from that planet where superman is from because whenever I try to do that whole recharge by the sun routine, my body just isn't having it! Anywho, what the hell happened to Russhelle this month??! Hmmmmm, lets see?? After that whole fiasco with my last employer taking me to court, I decided to take it easy and enjoy life once again, you know try to find the Russhelle I used to be?! So I did some painting, worked on my gardening skills and pretty much have just been chilling...Still looking for a job though just FYI so if any of you readers know of any, let me know ;)
Okay now that we got all the boring stuff out of the way, I wanted to share about the time I got into a fight with a June bug. So this happened pretty recently; I think it was the beginning of August? We promised our niece that we would take her to Disneyland for her birthday back in April, but then we lost our jobs and well long story short, it took us this long to save up and finally take her (because we never break our promises). Anyway, we were at Disneyland and it was the craziest thing ever because we NEVER get to go on all the rides, but on this particular day, there was literally NO LINES!!! We went on EVERY SINGLE RIDE in the park; It was so awesome!!! So there we were enjoying this awesome day, when we got to Splash Mountain and we were asking the ride attendant a question. Out of nowhere she starts screaming and swinging her arms, so I look around at what she's going crazy about and flying around her head is a HUGE JUNE BUG!! (it was normal size, but lets just say it was huge for dramatic effect) So I see it and I, myself start screaming and put my fist up like I'm about to punch it if it comes near me and so the ride attendant is all like "Ahhhh!" and I'm like "You're not crazy, I see it, I see it, come at me bro. come at me!!!" As I start punching the air. So I guess the June bug took me as a challenge and started coming after me, so I start screaming even louder and swinging MY arms everywhere when I feel it behind me, so I start running like a bat out of hell when all of a sudden I feel it hit my butt with its hard body. I jump over the ropes they put in place to keep us out and everyone in line is looking at me like I'm some crazy person on drugs, all the while my niece and husband are behind me laughing and giving me this look like what the heck are you doing?? So finally, after I got beaten by the June bug and it flies away, I go running back to my husband crying (not really, again just for dramatic effect).. so where was I? Oh yeah, I run back crying "The June Bug tried to fly up my BUTT! I feel so violated!!!" It was a horrible feeling, I don't know if any of you ever watch the show "Family Guy," but if you do, I felt like that one episode where Peter Griffen gets a prostate exam, but doesn't know what it is, so when he finally gets one, he feels like a slave on a ship in the middle of a storm with a sad clown flipping pancakes!!! Yeah you have to watch the show to really understand what I am talking about there :P Anyway, that's the time a June bug almost flew up my butt, hope you enjoyed it and I guess I will see you all next time or not, whatever floats your boat!! Don't mind me and my madness, the sun took most of my logic and rational :P until next time my friends.......
Okay now that we got all the boring stuff out of the way, I wanted to share about the time I got into a fight with a June bug. So this happened pretty recently; I think it was the beginning of August? We promised our niece that we would take her to Disneyland for her birthday back in April, but then we lost our jobs and well long story short, it took us this long to save up and finally take her (because we never break our promises). Anyway, we were at Disneyland and it was the craziest thing ever because we NEVER get to go on all the rides, but on this particular day, there was literally NO LINES!!! We went on EVERY SINGLE RIDE in the park; It was so awesome!!! So there we were enjoying this awesome day, when we got to Splash Mountain and we were asking the ride attendant a question. Out of nowhere she starts screaming and swinging her arms, so I look around at what she's going crazy about and flying around her head is a HUGE JUNE BUG!! (it was normal size, but lets just say it was huge for dramatic effect) So I see it and I, myself start screaming and put my fist up like I'm about to punch it if it comes near me and so the ride attendant is all like "Ahhhh!" and I'm like "You're not crazy, I see it, I see it, come at me bro. come at me!!!" As I start punching the air. So I guess the June bug took me as a challenge and started coming after me, so I start screaming even louder and swinging MY arms everywhere when I feel it behind me, so I start running like a bat out of hell when all of a sudden I feel it hit my butt with its hard body. I jump over the ropes they put in place to keep us out and everyone in line is looking at me like I'm some crazy person on drugs, all the while my niece and husband are behind me laughing and giving me this look like what the heck are you doing?? So finally, after I got beaten by the June bug and it flies away, I go running back to my husband crying (not really, again just for dramatic effect).. so where was I? Oh yeah, I run back crying "The June Bug tried to fly up my BUTT! I feel so violated!!!" It was a horrible feeling, I don't know if any of you ever watch the show "Family Guy," but if you do, I felt like that one episode where Peter Griffen gets a prostate exam, but doesn't know what it is, so when he finally gets one, he feels like a slave on a ship in the middle of a storm with a sad clown flipping pancakes!!! Yeah you have to watch the show to really understand what I am talking about there :P Anyway, that's the time a June bug almost flew up my butt, hope you enjoyed it and I guess I will see you all next time or not, whatever floats your boat!! Don't mind me and my madness, the sun took most of my logic and rational :P until next time my friends.......
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Screaming inside all the while there's a smile on your face
Ever have those days where you look totally fine, there's a smile on your face, your upbeat and everything appears to be going fine; all the while inside you are screaming at the top of your lungs and wanting to pull your own hair out??!! OK good I thought I was the only one?!
In case you are wondering why I would be blogging about something so personal and private. First, for anyone that knows me, knows that I have no shame. Secondly, I recently read and re-posted a Face book status on how it is mental health awareness month and wanted to show my support and thirdly, I wanted to share my story so that anyone that is going through the same thing can know that they are not alone.
To start off, statistics show that 1 in 3 individuals will experience a mental breakdown at some point in their lives such as depression, anxiety and panic attacks. As for me, I experienced all three at the same time!! It was a stressful time in my life and I am the type of person that just couldn't say no, so I was always taking on more than I can handle, but instead of cutting things down as stressed as I was, I continued to work through it to the bitter end. On top of that, during the holiday seasons, it never ceases that one if not all family members start fighting so on top of my stress from, working, volunteering, other obligations and holiday stress, I was also fighting with what seemed like the whole world.
My world became too much for me to handle and I could no longer carry the weight on my shoulders, but like I said before, instead of letting everything go, I just continued pushing through. As you know I previously worked for an ungrateful company that would over work and underpay me and anytime, I tried to ask for a raise or prove that I was worth something in that company, they always made it a point to put me down and make me feel worthless. Aside from that I never had time for myself, because when I wasn't working, my husband and I were always volunteering as Sunday school teachers and special events at church, plus we were constantly doing family events, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, so there was no resting time for me because when I wasn't working, going to family events or volunteering, I was running errands and attempting to fulfill all my wife duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I know by now you are all thinking,"whine, whine, whine, that's life suck it up" and I did for a long time, but then something happened that changed everything.
It was the holidays and if that wasn't stressful enough family members and friends started passing away and dying and I couldn't believe it because some of these individuals were alive and healthy one minute and the next they were gone?! Then Christmas started rolling around and the family feuds started rolling in, but this particular year I got it from both my husbands side and my side and things were said and bridges were burned and ultimately my heart was broken into a billion pieces that year. With everything happening, it felt like they were coming in waves, one thing after the other just crashing down over me and pounding me further into the ground. I was also going to school and with all the stress, I felt like I couldn't breathe!! Infact, there were a couple of times my husband and I were out and about just trying to escape our reality and we would go to stores or to the movies or dinner or something and halfway through, my chest would start hurting and I could not for the life of me get enough oxygen, I seriously thought I was going to die!!
I got so scared I went to the doctor where he just took one look at me and didn't even say anything before I burst into tears and told him my symptoms: I haven't been sleeping well, I have been losing a significant amount of weight, I have been crying uncontrollably for about a month prior and I have these bouts where I feel like I'm going to die because my heart hurts and I can't breathe and everything starts going black. The Doctor let me finish my crying bout and told me I was suffering from depression and that it was caused by stress. To be honest, that did give me a sigh of relief because I thought it was something more life threatening?!! He referred me to a psychiatrist but I never made the appointment, just like in everything, I made the decision I would deal with this on my own. To be truthful, I knew they would most likely put me on meds and I really didn't want to be addicted or have any high risk drugs listed on my health records.
So there I was depressed, stressed and feeling like I was utterly alone in this whole mess. My husband did his best to be there for me, but he didn't know what I was going through or how to fix it and I think that is what frustrated him the most was that he couldn't just "fix" it. This was something more serious and though I tried to explain it to him, again I felt like I was utterly and painfully alone. I got to the point where I even became catatonic, which really scared both my husband and my older brother who until this very moment were the only two people in the world that knew about what I was going through. At this point my husband was doing everything for me, including showering me and putting me to bed, because when I wasn't catatonic, I was crying uncontrollably; it was truly a dark time in our household.
Finally tired of crying, I did research and found different ways of dealing with depressions such as spending more time with family and friends, particularly children, getting a pet such as a kitten or a puppy or just talking about it, because the more you talk about it, the more you'll see you're not alone and that there are people out there that truly care and will support you no matter what. So with my new information I asked my husband for a puppy, and even though my husband hates pets, ESPECIALLY puppies, he felt he had no real choice and that's how I got my puppy Homer :D. That was a real turning point and it's amazing how such a little critter can bring so much joy into someones life and though my puppy didn't cure me right off the bat, he has made coping with depression so much easier. That's the main point isn't it; That it does get better? Though your world is crashing down and everywhere you look there's darkness; that is just for a moment and just like a storm with its chaos and thunder, this too will pass. Depression isn't something that just goes away and I do confess that I have my relapses here and there, but as long as I continue to take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward that I will get stronger to the point where I can tell my depression " You can't hurt me anymore; I got this!!!"
Well this is my story, for anyone who is still reading this looooooooonnnng blog, I hope and pray that no one else has to endure such a thing, but if you are, know that you are not alone....Until next time my friends <3
In case you are wondering why I would be blogging about something so personal and private. First, for anyone that knows me, knows that I have no shame. Secondly, I recently read and re-posted a Face book status on how it is mental health awareness month and wanted to show my support and thirdly, I wanted to share my story so that anyone that is going through the same thing can know that they are not alone.
To start off, statistics show that 1 in 3 individuals will experience a mental breakdown at some point in their lives such as depression, anxiety and panic attacks. As for me, I experienced all three at the same time!! It was a stressful time in my life and I am the type of person that just couldn't say no, so I was always taking on more than I can handle, but instead of cutting things down as stressed as I was, I continued to work through it to the bitter end. On top of that, during the holiday seasons, it never ceases that one if not all family members start fighting so on top of my stress from, working, volunteering, other obligations and holiday stress, I was also fighting with what seemed like the whole world.
My world became too much for me to handle and I could no longer carry the weight on my shoulders, but like I said before, instead of letting everything go, I just continued pushing through. As you know I previously worked for an ungrateful company that would over work and underpay me and anytime, I tried to ask for a raise or prove that I was worth something in that company, they always made it a point to put me down and make me feel worthless. Aside from that I never had time for myself, because when I wasn't working, my husband and I were always volunteering as Sunday school teachers and special events at church, plus we were constantly doing family events, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, so there was no resting time for me because when I wasn't working, going to family events or volunteering, I was running errands and attempting to fulfill all my wife duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I know by now you are all thinking,"whine, whine, whine, that's life suck it up" and I did for a long time, but then something happened that changed everything.
It was the holidays and if that wasn't stressful enough family members and friends started passing away and dying and I couldn't believe it because some of these individuals were alive and healthy one minute and the next they were gone?! Then Christmas started rolling around and the family feuds started rolling in, but this particular year I got it from both my husbands side and my side and things were said and bridges were burned and ultimately my heart was broken into a billion pieces that year. With everything happening, it felt like they were coming in waves, one thing after the other just crashing down over me and pounding me further into the ground. I was also going to school and with all the stress, I felt like I couldn't breathe!! Infact, there were a couple of times my husband and I were out and about just trying to escape our reality and we would go to stores or to the movies or dinner or something and halfway through, my chest would start hurting and I could not for the life of me get enough oxygen, I seriously thought I was going to die!!
I got so scared I went to the doctor where he just took one look at me and didn't even say anything before I burst into tears and told him my symptoms: I haven't been sleeping well, I have been losing a significant amount of weight, I have been crying uncontrollably for about a month prior and I have these bouts where I feel like I'm going to die because my heart hurts and I can't breathe and everything starts going black. The Doctor let me finish my crying bout and told me I was suffering from depression and that it was caused by stress. To be honest, that did give me a sigh of relief because I thought it was something more life threatening?!! He referred me to a psychiatrist but I never made the appointment, just like in everything, I made the decision I would deal with this on my own. To be truthful, I knew they would most likely put me on meds and I really didn't want to be addicted or have any high risk drugs listed on my health records.
So there I was depressed, stressed and feeling like I was utterly alone in this whole mess. My husband did his best to be there for me, but he didn't know what I was going through or how to fix it and I think that is what frustrated him the most was that he couldn't just "fix" it. This was something more serious and though I tried to explain it to him, again I felt like I was utterly and painfully alone. I got to the point where I even became catatonic, which really scared both my husband and my older brother who until this very moment were the only two people in the world that knew about what I was going through. At this point my husband was doing everything for me, including showering me and putting me to bed, because when I wasn't catatonic, I was crying uncontrollably; it was truly a dark time in our household.
Finally tired of crying, I did research and found different ways of dealing with depressions such as spending more time with family and friends, particularly children, getting a pet such as a kitten or a puppy or just talking about it, because the more you talk about it, the more you'll see you're not alone and that there are people out there that truly care and will support you no matter what. So with my new information I asked my husband for a puppy, and even though my husband hates pets, ESPECIALLY puppies, he felt he had no real choice and that's how I got my puppy Homer :D. That was a real turning point and it's amazing how such a little critter can bring so much joy into someones life and though my puppy didn't cure me right off the bat, he has made coping with depression so much easier. That's the main point isn't it; That it does get better? Though your world is crashing down and everywhere you look there's darkness; that is just for a moment and just like a storm with its chaos and thunder, this too will pass. Depression isn't something that just goes away and I do confess that I have my relapses here and there, but as long as I continue to take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward that I will get stronger to the point where I can tell my depression " You can't hurt me anymore; I got this!!!"
Well this is my story, for anyone who is still reading this looooooooonnnng blog, I hope and pray that no one else has to endure such a thing, but if you are, know that you are not alone....Until next time my friends <3
People that really grind my gears
There are certain people in this world that really know what buttons to push and how to grind your gears; I am sure many of you are thinking of those individuals as I speak.
For me they are the ones that are narcissistic, hypocritical, sociopaths!!! I CAN'T STAND these individuals!!! People that think that they are the only ones in this world and everyone should stop what they are doing and bow down to them every time they walk into a room! They have no understanding past themselves and if anyone attempts to try to open their eyes to more, then "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!" They will disown you, hate you, NEVER want to speak to you again and Lord forbid if you tell one of these individuals "NO," because that is like a curse word to them and you will then be the most hated person on their list!!
To them, I would like to say that I am sorry for not making enough money as you think you have, making hanging out with you virtually impossible since all you want to do is go out to expensive places and spend money I don't have. I'm sorry that I have bigger problems in my own life, then having to sit there for hours listening to how everyone in the world has wronged you, myself included. And I'm especially sorry that I really don't feel bad when you disown me and tell me that you never want to speak to me again, because to be honest it is a sigh of relief that I no longer have to put up with your negative attitude and dictating ways. But most of all I am sorry that you can't see past your own nose at the bigger picture; that the world is a bigger place filled with people that love you and support you and if you would take even just a second to see that the reason no one wants to hang out with you is because of your destructive tendencies and how you constantly mow over and hurt anyone who gets in the way of your plans then I feel sorry that I can no longer have you in my life.
Truth be told, I might have a little of the above in me as well, but I think everyone does; that's what gives us our drives to push forward and move ahead in our lives. But for the most part, I also know humility, patience, understanding, sympathy and above all else LOVE. Without love, we have nothing and the more I think about people like this, the more I am realizing that all that they are really looking for is somebody to love them. The sad part about this is that I have way too many individuals in my life like this and I am at a point in my crazy life where I can either continue catering to these individuals all the while be screaming inside, or I can walk away and realize that I have loved them for as long as I can, but from this point on, I need to start loving myself more.
Siiiggh, what can I tell you? I'm a lover not a fighter and it hurts me to the core when I come across people that only care about themselves and self gain instead of helping or even just supporting their brother or sister in need. Yeah not everyone is at the same level that you might be in at this moment, but it is the ones that you treat so cruelly that are going to be there for you when everything starts crashing down around you, just think about that next time you want to say and do hurtful things to the ones that love you......Until next time my friends <3
For me they are the ones that are narcissistic, hypocritical, sociopaths!!! I CAN'T STAND these individuals!!! People that think that they are the only ones in this world and everyone should stop what they are doing and bow down to them every time they walk into a room! They have no understanding past themselves and if anyone attempts to try to open their eyes to more, then "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!" They will disown you, hate you, NEVER want to speak to you again and Lord forbid if you tell one of these individuals "NO," because that is like a curse word to them and you will then be the most hated person on their list!!
To them, I would like to say that I am sorry for not making enough money as you think you have, making hanging out with you virtually impossible since all you want to do is go out to expensive places and spend money I don't have. I'm sorry that I have bigger problems in my own life, then having to sit there for hours listening to how everyone in the world has wronged you, myself included. And I'm especially sorry that I really don't feel bad when you disown me and tell me that you never want to speak to me again, because to be honest it is a sigh of relief that I no longer have to put up with your negative attitude and dictating ways. But most of all I am sorry that you can't see past your own nose at the bigger picture; that the world is a bigger place filled with people that love you and support you and if you would take even just a second to see that the reason no one wants to hang out with you is because of your destructive tendencies and how you constantly mow over and hurt anyone who gets in the way of your plans then I feel sorry that I can no longer have you in my life.
Truth be told, I might have a little of the above in me as well, but I think everyone does; that's what gives us our drives to push forward and move ahead in our lives. But for the most part, I also know humility, patience, understanding, sympathy and above all else LOVE. Without love, we have nothing and the more I think about people like this, the more I am realizing that all that they are really looking for is somebody to love them. The sad part about this is that I have way too many individuals in my life like this and I am at a point in my crazy life where I can either continue catering to these individuals all the while be screaming inside, or I can walk away and realize that I have loved them for as long as I can, but from this point on, I need to start loving myself more.
Siiiggh, what can I tell you? I'm a lover not a fighter and it hurts me to the core when I come across people that only care about themselves and self gain instead of helping or even just supporting their brother or sister in need. Yeah not everyone is at the same level that you might be in at this moment, but it is the ones that you treat so cruelly that are going to be there for you when everything starts crashing down around you, just think about that next time you want to say and do hurtful things to the ones that love you......Until next time my friends <3
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