Screaming inside all the while there's a smile on your face

Ever have those days where you look totally fine, there's a smile on your face, your upbeat and everything appears to be going fine; all the while inside you are screaming at the top of your lungs and wanting to pull your own hair out??!! OK good I thought I was the only one?!

 In case you are wondering why I would be blogging about something so personal and private. First, for anyone that knows me, knows that I have no shame. Secondly, I recently read and re-posted a Face book status on how it is mental health awareness month and wanted to show my support and thirdly, I wanted to share my story so that anyone that is going through the same thing can know that they are not alone.

 To start off, statistics show that 1 in 3 individuals will experience a mental breakdown at some point in their lives such as depression, anxiety and panic attacks. As for me, I experienced all three at the same time!! It was a stressful time in my life and I am the type of person that just couldn't say no, so I was always taking on more than I can handle, but instead of cutting things down as stressed as I was, I continued to work through it to the bitter end. On top of that, during the holiday seasons, it never ceases that one if not all family members start fighting so on top of my stress from, working, volunteering, other obligations and holiday stress, I was also fighting with what seemed like the whole world.

 My world became too much for me to handle and I could no longer carry the weight on my shoulders, but like I said before, instead of letting everything go, I just continued pushing through. As you know I previously worked for an ungrateful company that would over work and underpay me and anytime, I tried to ask for a raise or prove that I was worth something in that company, they always made it a point to put me down and make me feel worthless. Aside from that I never had time for myself, because when I wasn't working, my husband and I were always volunteering as Sunday school teachers and special events at church, plus we were constantly doing family events, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, so there was no resting time for me because when I wasn't working, going to family events or volunteering, I was running errands and attempting to fulfill all my wife duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I know by now you are all thinking,"whine, whine, whine, that's life suck it up" and I did for a long time, but then something happened that changed everything.

 It was the holidays and if that wasn't stressful enough family members and friends started passing away and dying and I couldn't believe it because some of these individuals were alive and healthy one minute and the next they were gone?! Then Christmas started rolling around and the family feuds started rolling in, but this particular year I got it from both my husbands side and my side and things were said and bridges were burned and ultimately my heart was broken into a billion pieces that year. With everything happening, it felt like they were coming in waves, one thing after the other just crashing down over me and pounding me further into the ground.  I was also going to school and with all the stress, I felt like I couldn't breathe!! Infact, there were a couple of times my husband and I were out and about just trying to escape our reality and we would go to stores or to the movies or dinner or something and halfway through, my chest would start hurting and I could not for the life of me get enough oxygen, I seriously thought I was going to die!!

I got so scared I went to the doctor where he just took one look at me and didn't even say anything before I burst into tears and told him my symptoms: I haven't been sleeping well, I have been losing a significant amount of weight, I have been crying uncontrollably for about a month prior and I have these bouts where I feel like I'm going to die because my heart hurts and I can't breathe and everything starts going black. The Doctor let me finish my crying bout and told me I was suffering from depression and that it was caused by stress. To be honest, that did give me a sigh of relief because I thought it was something more life threatening?!! He referred me to a psychiatrist but I never made the appointment, just like in everything, I made the decision I would deal with this on my own. To be truthful, I knew they would most likely put me on meds and I really didn't want to be addicted or have any high risk drugs listed on my health records.

So there I was depressed, stressed and feeling like I was utterly alone in this whole mess.  My husband did his best to be there for me, but he didn't know what I was going through or how to fix it and I think that is what frustrated him the most was that he couldn't just "fix" it. This was something more serious and though I tried to explain it to him, again I felt like I was utterly and painfully alone. I got to the point where I even became catatonic, which really scared both my husband and my older brother who until this very moment were the only two people in the world that knew about what I was going through. At this point my husband was doing everything for me, including showering me and putting me to bed, because when I wasn't catatonic, I was crying uncontrollably; it was truly a dark time in our household.

Finally tired of crying, I did research and found different ways of dealing with depressions such as spending more time with family and friends, particularly children, getting a pet such as a kitten or a puppy or just talking about it, because the more you talk about it, the more you'll see you're not alone and that there are people out there that truly care and will support you no matter what. So with my new information I asked my husband for a puppy, and even though my husband hates pets, ESPECIALLY puppies, he felt he had no real choice and that's how I got my puppy Homer :D. That was a real turning point and it's amazing how such a little critter can bring so much joy into someones life and though my puppy didn't cure me right off the bat, he has made coping with depression so much easier. That's the main point isn't it; That it does get better? Though your world is crashing down and everywhere you look there's darkness; that is just for a moment and just like a storm with its chaos and thunder, this too will pass. Depression isn't something that just goes away and I do confess that I have my relapses here and there, but as long as I continue to take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward that I will get stronger to the point where I can tell my depression " You can't hurt me anymore; I got this!!!"

Well this is my story, for anyone who is still reading this looooooooonnnng blog, I hope and pray that no one else has to endure such a thing, but if you are, know that you are not alone....Until next time my friends <3

People that really grind my gears

There are certain people in this world that really know what buttons to push and how to grind your gears; I am sure many of you are thinking of those individuals as I speak.

For me they are the ones that are narcissistic, hypocritical, sociopaths!!!  I CAN'T STAND these individuals!!! People that think that they are the only ones in this world and everyone should stop what they are doing and bow down to them every time they walk into a room!  They have no understanding past themselves and if anyone attempts to try to open their eyes to more, then "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!" They will disown you, hate you, NEVER want to speak to you again and Lord forbid if you tell one of these individuals "NO," because that is like a curse word to them and you will then be the most hated person on their list!!

To them, I would like to say that I am sorry for not making enough money as you think you have, making hanging out with you virtually impossible since all you want to do is go out to expensive places and spend money I don't have.  I'm sorry that I have bigger problems in my own life, then having to sit there for hours listening to how everyone in the world has wronged you, myself included.  And I'm especially sorry that I really don't feel bad when you disown me and tell me that you never want to speak to me again, because to be honest it is a sigh of relief that I no longer have to put up with your negative attitude and dictating ways. But most of all I am sorry that you can't see past your own nose at the bigger picture; that the world is a bigger place filled with people that love you and support you and if you would take even just a second to see that the reason no one wants to hang out with you is because of your destructive tendencies and how you constantly mow over and hurt anyone who gets in the way of your plans then I feel sorry that I can no longer have you in my life.

Truth be told, I might have a little of the above in me as well, but I think everyone does; that's what gives us our drives to push forward and move ahead in our lives.  But for the most part, I also know humility, patience, understanding, sympathy and above all else LOVE.  Without love, we have nothing and the more I think about people like this, the more I am realizing that all that they are really looking for is somebody to love them.  The sad part about this is that I have way too many individuals in my life like this and I am at a point in my crazy life where I can either continue catering to these individuals all the while be screaming inside, or I can walk away and realize that I have loved them for as long as I can, but from this point on, I need to start loving myself more.


Siiiggh, what can I tell you?  I'm a lover not a fighter and it hurts me to the core when I come across people that only care about themselves and self gain instead of helping or even just supporting their brother or sister in need.  Yeah not everyone is at the same level that you might be in at this moment, but it is the ones that you treat so cruelly that are going to be there for you when everything starts crashing down around you, just think about that next time you want to say and do hurtful things to the ones that love you......Until next time my friends <3

Raging against the machines

I went on a date with my husband today and upon exiting the facility we parked in, there was an "automated ticket machine" which we had to pay to exit. As I sat there watching my husband feed the machine, I thought to myself " these darn machines, taking our jobs!!!" Everywhere I look, machines are taking over; all the while, people are continuing to lose their jobs with no hope in sight. Thousands of warehouse workers, farmers, grocery store clerks even movie tickets sellers and bankers are being replaced by machines!!!! what happened to the good old days when you would be greeted and helped by friendly customer service representatives? Gone are the days of humanity, where people interacted with people and you can appreciate what you purchased because you had the satisfaction of knowing that a human being made that product with their own two hands. What good are machines anyway? Yeah they don't need continuous paychecks, their work capacity allows the company to produce 100% more efficiently and the company doesn't have to pay medical or other benefit, but honestly what can a machine really provide that a human can't? Machines aren't perfect either you know...they also make mistakes when they have glitches and when they need maintainance I bet it cost just as much as paying a human! Well I don't know about you, but I don't want no grubby machines taking over my job!! I say we get rid of them all together and kick them all out of California; Who's with me? Let's take back America people, No more machines!!! Go back where you came from darn machines, we're better off without you!!...unless you're a life saving machine, a home computer, home appliance, etc..teehee...that is all for now my beloved friends, don't mind this rant, it's just me being crazy as usual, but seriously think about it next time you're at the bank or the market.....

I Faced the Giants and Won!

Hello my friends around the world or in my head, I really can't tell the difference anymore, but I just wanted to give you all an update on what the hell happened to Russhelle this past month!!

As you may or may not of known, I recently lossed my job a couple of months ago and I have been on an emotional roll-a-coaster since! I think I went through like every emotion humanly possible:

At first, I was relieved as I really felt that it was time to leave that job.  I was always stressed out, I developed horrible acne because of it, I was always sick and they were constantly making shady and inconsistent changes throughout the company. At any rate, on my fateful last day, I guess my stress and all the changes got the best of me and I had a falling out with the company and they let me go.  I was fine with it and applied for unemployment and figured that I would have another job in no time, but with todays economic times, even though I have applied to about a million jobs by now, I have yet to find anything secure and it turns out that the shady company I used to work for, started to slander my good name and wanted to deny my unemployment benefits making up some outrageous lies about how I supposedly did misconduct and was insubordinate and so and so forth.  Well my relief quickly turned to anxiety and frustration and above all else, just straight out sorrow, because all that I wanted to do was cut my ties and move on with my life, but just to be greedy and spiteful, this company wanted to drag me through the mud and take me to court!!

All the stress that melted away just a month prior, quickly came flooding back as I became anxious and stressed out about my pending case.  I wasn't nervous about why I got "fired"  I was stressed out because this company is based on a foundation of lies and I was afraid that the system might side with them and I would lose the last of my only income! The funny thing about trials and tribulations in life is that it is a real test of your faith and being a Christian that was raised in the church, I meditated on God's word and asked for a lot of prayers as I myself prayed long and hard to the Lord.  As I meditated and prayed daily, the Lord started to speak to me.  For all you believers, I know I don't have to explain myself, but for those of you who don't, I don't mean literally like I am speaking to you right now, but more on a spiritual level like in the scriptures that I would read and the sermons I would hear and just having everyday spiritual conversations with loved ones and all that God kept telling me was "FORGIVE and LEAVE IT UP TO GOD TO TAKE CONTROL!"

I remember that I was lying in bed one morning and was watching one of those sermon shows and there was this jewish lady preaching and she was funny and straight forward and she was telling the congregation about how she got into this really heated argument with someone from church and words were exchanged and she told the guy off and hung up on him and she said,"usually when I do something that's not right, I get convicted right away, but I must of been REALLY mad, because it took about three days before God started tugging at my heart.  And even though God started to convict me, I really didn't want to listen to God, because I wanted to be right and so I called the Pastor from the church and told him about the argument and how he acted towards me and how God was telling me that I should apologize and forgive him and I thought for sure that he would side with me and say "Oh yeah, you shouldn't talk to him, he deserved it, but you know what he told me instead?!!!!  Well, you should do what God tells you to do and if God is telling you to forgive him, then you should do it!" I felt a connection to what she was talking about so I continued to watch and listen to her sermon and she continued to say, "You see even though God was telling me to forgive him, I wanted to be right and I wanted to have my way and I was like No God, he deserved it! But then God tugged at my heart once again and said, even though he was rude and lost his temper it didn't give you the right to do the same!" She said, "You see, we need to be the examples in this world and the light in the darkness. In this world it is so easy to just get mad and loose it, but as believers in God, we need to show the world his Love and kindness, because that is the only way they will truly understand his mercy and grace."

After that, everything made sense and clicked for me. I spent the last four years of my life giving into this world, taking the easy way out, thinking that I can do it on my own when the whole time I should of just trusted in the Lord and kept my cool. Don't get me wrong, I continued to pray on a daily basis, but when it came to people who scorned me or hurt me, I would hold on to it like a torch and all that it would do is burn and hurt me more. So I said to myself, "with the faith of a mustard seed, I can move the tallest mountains and I can do everything in Christ who strengthens me!!" I laid all of my burdens at the throne of my Lord and Saviour, trusting that he will be my tower of refuge and strength.

When the court hearing came, I did not have a planned out case, a professional lawyer or a strategy of how I was going to win my case.  All that I had was the truth and my faith and I PRAAAYYYED!! Not only did I pray, but for the whole week prior I called on the support and prayers of everyone that I could think of and as I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my case to be heard before the judge, I cried one last time and asked God to give me strength to face these giants who were out to destroy me and as they entered the waiting room with hard, vindictive faces on, the moment that my eyes met theirs, all that I could do was smile!!  All this time, I didn't want to face them, but when I finally did, I had nothing but joy in my heart to see them and when we went before the judge and they said their lies and I spoke my truth, in the end the Lord truly had control of everything and I won my case!!!!

I know that a lot of people that might read this would say, you just sound like some religious lady trying to preach to me. But my beloved friends, please understand that all that I am doing is telling you my story and about how God is truly working in my life, I am not trying to judge or persuade you  I am just filled with so much joy and love in my life that I want to SHOUT IT OUT TO THE WORLD that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND HE IS TRULY IN CONTROL!!  As I end this blog, stop me if you heard this one: If you want to hear God laugh.....tell him your plans!!! Until next time......

The End which was only the Beginning

Hello my friends, sorry it's been awhile since I last blogged; so much has happened in the last month, I really don't know where to begin?! For now, lets just finish the story from where we left off.....

Well being the man that Marko is, he said to himself, "Oh man, it's now or never!!" So as the coffee shop closed and everyone was getting kicked out, he waited at the door and asked one of the male employees that he overheard talking earlier if he could "call that short, squeaky girl out for a minute?" Shocked, but compliant, the male employee called out towards the back of the store, "Russhelle!! Come here real quick, there is someone who wants to talk to you!" "Tell them to go away, NO SOLICITING!!" "Russhelle, just come out here for a minute!"  "NO, GO AWAY, WE'RE CLOSED!"  But as fate or should I say the Lord should have it, I reluctantly went to see what all the commotion was about and there standing outside the door of the coffee shop was that young gentlemen with the denim jacket that I caught staring at me earlier and as I approached, I could feel my heart start to race yet slow down at the same time, it was a very odd experience that I really can't explain other than the way I just did. "Yes, what do you want?" I replied in a sarcastic, but friendly voice.  "hhhmmmm(this is the sound that came out of his nose as he was nervous and when he gets nervous, a humming noise comes out of his nose)  I was wondering if you were seeing anybody? hmmmmm," (Oh my gosh I thought to myself, I hope this isn't a regular thing with him, this sound that he's making)? "Yes, actually I see a lot of people, I see you, that old lady walking that dog, that guy over there....."  hmmmmmmmmm...hahaha" he nervously laughed, hmmmmmm I was wondering if I could get your number so I can get to know you better?' hmmmmmmm"......At that moment something very peculiar happened as I NEVER gave my number out to ANYONE..to be honest there are still people and family members trying to get my number, but like I said before there was something pulling at me and without any hesitation I said, "Sure, what the hell?!" I took his phone and entered my phone number and when I gave it back he called it right in front of me "there, so now you can have my number too." (although I think it was to check that I didn't give him a fake number). "Okay, well it was nice meeting you, I have to go close up now so if you'll excuse me." As he walked back to his friends car, his friend was like"Oh man, I can't believe you just did that right now (sounding a little peeved), "I know, I can't believe it either..Oh man I just realized something!"  "What?" I didn't give her my name!!"

The next day, I decided to sneak out of the house in the early hours of the morning.  My sister-in-law and her brother were quietly waiting for me in the car and at 5:00 A.M. we started our adventure.  You see there was some unfinished business with me and my ex-boyfriend and a lot of unanswered questions and since he didn't want to answer any of my calls, text or emails; I took it upon myself to finish the business myself.  So with my support team and a box of old memories we drove to his house, which was pretty far by the way and considering it was my first time driving and I didn't have directions to where we were going, I think we did fairly well!  At any rate, some hours later, we finally found his house, but it was still early and everyone was still sleeping.  But it just so happened that his dad owned a convenient store and was heading out to open the store when I pulled up.  He greeted me with a hug as he adored me and took me inside the house to where his sleeping son was. "He can feel you here." He said while his son started waking up and on that note he left.  His son did wake up and I returned a box of unwanted memories to him as well as discussed what happened in our relationship.  But since it wasn't going anywhere, I decided to take my leave and left.  My sister-in-law, her brother and I stopped at a nearby Jack In A Box to get some breakfast as it was now 8 A.M. and we were starving and my sister-in-law and her brother comforted me and told me that this was a good step, because now I can close this chapter and move on with my life.  Later that day, we dropped my sister-in-law back home and her brother took me for a driving lesson on the freeways.  We were having a great time hanging out and we stopped by a Petco because he wanted to buy his sister a Sponge Bob Square pants aquarium that she'd been wanting and since we were there, we decided to have some fun of our own.  So he dared me to eat one doggy treat from the doggy treat bar and if I did, he would buy me my very own dog ID.  

For anyone that knows me, knows that you really don't want to dare me, because I WILL DO IT! So without hesitation, I took a doggy treat that looked like a shortbread cookie and ate it (I must say, it really wasn't that bad, although it tasted kind of bland).  Anyway, I won the dare so there we were at the Dog ID station, creating my reward when all of a sudden my phone rings, "who the heck is this calling me?"  Oh wait this is the guy from last night, Aaarrrgh, here you answer it."  I said as I threw the phone at my friend, "Hello? May I ask who's calling?" (In the meantime, I was shaking my head mouthing "I'm not here!" even though it was MY cellphone he answered) He tossed the phone back at me and I had no choice but to say, "Hello, This is Russhelle." "Hmmmmm, Oh hi Russhelle, I don't know if you remember me, but we met last night...Hmmmm."  "Ooh yeah, I remember you; you are  smooth aren't you? You planned this all along, not giving me your name so that way you have an excuse to call me," I said jokingly. "Hmmmmmm, Hahaha no, sorry I was really nervous last night and forgot to give you my name which is why I am calling, it's Marko by the way...hmmmmm." (All the while I was thinking to myself, there it is again, what a nerd!!  I just hope that this is just a nervous tick and nothing permanent!!) "Haha, okay Marko suuuuuuuuure you were nervous and forgot. I hate to cut it short, but I am about to drive right now and don't want to crash and die so would it be okay if you call me later?" "Ummm okay I'll talk to you later then, hope you have a nice day, bye." "bye."  I know I sound cold hearted, but I swear it was a defense mechanism, like I said before I just broke up with a horrible person and really didn't want to go on another roller coaster ride, so this time I was going to have my guard up..Anyway, I don't know why I have to explain myself, I already said I was off men remember?!

A week went by and I was at home feeling sorry for myself, laying on the couch, not wanting to deal with anything, which was hard to do since my older sister who likes to dictate things was there that day trying to tell me to move on and get a life.  Just then my phone rang, "Who's that?" "Oh nobody, just some guy I met at work." "Why don't you answer it, maybe you can go out and get over that jerk for once and for all." "Aarrrgggghhh, I don't feel like talking to anybody today, I'll call him later leave me alone." I said while I rolled over on the couch, just then,  I heard from behind me, "Hello, who's this?  Marko?  Well Marko, you sound like a nice enough guy, why don't you take my sister out or something to get her out of this hump that she's in?" About now, I am so annoyed with my sister and can't believe how pathetic she is making me sound right now! "Oh yeah, you definitely should tell her that, here let me give her the phone." I am so annoyed and pissed off that I refuse the phone, but she throws it at me anyway saying "you'll thank me for this later." so again without a choice I reluctantly answered the phone, "hello?"  "Hmmmm, Oh hi Russhelle how are you today?"  "I'm kind of tired to be honest with you, why what happened?" I said a little cold heartedly "Oh, sorry to hear that, i was just talking to your sister and she thought it might be a good idea if we went out sometime, so I was wondering what you were doing in two weeks?"  "What's in two weeks?"  "Valentines Day, I figured maybe you could be my valentine?" "What the heck, sure why not, but I'm working that day so can you pick me up after work?" "Yeah that sounds great, I'll see you then and I know you are tired so I'll let you go and rest for now; talk to you later."  

Two weeks went by and just as he promised, he picked me up after work.  To be honest, I was dead tired from working all day and one of my dearest friends from high school already came by earlier that day and decided since we were both single that we could be each other's Valentines and brought me a teddy bear and roses to cheer me up, so I really didn't care to go out and be romanced, but since I gave my word, I had to keep it so I freshened up in the stores bathroom. I didn't even change or anything (like I said, I really didn't care at this point so I was still in my Starbucks uniform) and when I came out of the bathroom, standing there waiting in the center of the store was Marko.  As our eyes met, I could see fireworks in his eyes as his face lit up and he took a breath as if he was trying to catch what escaped him. "Hi, are you ready to go?" he said excitedly, "Well I'm as ready as I'll ever be, so yeah I guess, where are we going?" I said, in order to make small talk.  "Have you ever been to Old Town Pasadena?" Pasadena?!! Isn't that some far off distant land?! I said surprises as I lived in East L.A. my whole life and never been anywhere else really, so I truly thought it was REAAALLLY far away. "Hahaha, no Pasadena is just like one city away it's really close." As we got to the car, he ran ahead of me and opened his passenger side door for me and on the seat was a little bouquet of maybe three short stemmed roses (they weren't as nice as the roses I got earlier, but all the same I thought that was a really sweet move on his part.) "I got them short stemmed cuz they reminded me of you, you know cuz you're  so short." "Oh yeah, that's cute," I said while getting into the car. He closed the door behind me and quickly ran to the drivers side. "Okay, are you ready for our date?" Yeah, sure whatever, " I said as I was tired and just wanted to get the date over with.  

The date was something out of a movie I think.  We had dinner at Johnny Rockets, which was a 50's diner and I do love anything retro, so that was a plus.  Afterwards, we walked around Old Town Pasadena, just joking around and talking like two love birds, while we kept trying to playfully push the other into oncoming traffic.  We walked to the movie theatre at the end of the strip and watched Lord of the Rings, which is where I fell asleep halfway through the movie.  Sorry all you L.O.T.R fans, but like I said I was dead tired from work and those darn trees just kept talking and talking!! At the end of the movie he gently tried to wake me up and as I was coming out of my slumber, I can feel his hand attempting to hold mine as I heard that nervous tick again, "Hmmmmmmm," as he bent down to my ear  and whispered, "princess, it's time to wake up now, the movie's over, time to get up now princess." As I opened my eyes to look up at him, I replied "What?! Is the movie over already, it barely started??!!  Oh man, did I knock out?!  Sorry, those trees, I just couldn't help it during that never ending tree scene...I didn't drool did I?"  As I started wiping my face to make sure, "No, you're fine, you still look beautiful." "Okay, Okay, you don't have to try so hard for brownie points," I said jokingly. But to be honest, I really didn't mind the way he was talking or treating me, it was very refreshing after coming out of such a horrible relationship.  As we walked back to our car, there was a solo saxophonist playing Frank Sinatra's "Someday" and as we strolled down the sidewalk, this time arm in arm, for the first time in my life,  I started to feel something I never felt before starting to burn inside me.

After that date, he called me a couple of days later and told me, "I think we should go out again?" This time with more confidence in his voice, although he still had that nervous tick thing going with his nose. "What? One time wasn't enough with me? I fell asleep halfway through our first date for goodness sake! Why do you want to go out with me again?" Well," he replied, "Consider our first date like an interview for a job, you passed the interview stage, now I want to hire you for the job." "Hahaha," I laughed, "Oh man, don't I need to fill out an application first? What job am I even interviewing for?" 

I did go out with him though and after a couple of months, Marko finally got rid of that nervous nose tick and he felt more confident in his decision to take our relationship to the next level. "I want us to be exclusive, will you be my girlfriend?" "No," I replied (as I said before I really didn't want to get hurt again, so I had my guard up). "Why can't we just keep our relationship the way it is? I mean at some point one if not both of us is just going to end up hurting the other and we are probably going to end up the same way we started; hurt and alone. Let's just enjoy each other's company and continue being friends." Marko knew too well, what I was talking about and how I was feeling so he very gently told me, "Listen, I know you've been hurt, I've been hurt too and if you need more time to realize what I already know, then so be it, I WILL wait for you, but just know this, I have enough "friends," what I am looking for is someone to possibly share my life with and I truly believe that someone is you, so I am willing to wait, but I won't wait forever." When he told me this, that just blew my mind!!! I mean, he just saw right through me and with his confidence and the way he said it, I was like "OH NO HE JUST DIDN'T!!!!"  Taken aback, I mustard the courage to say, "Why do you even want me, I'm damaged goods!!" I said with tears in my eyes, just like that, with that one statement, he managed to knock down a wall that I thought no one could ever break through?! "My heart has been ripped to shreds and is in a million pieces, I don't want to get hurt again, I can't and I won't!!!" Here, I thought I had him now and he would back down from his crazy love talk, but no, I was wrong. "Listen Russhelle, I'm not HIM!  I know you've been hurt, hell, I've been hurt too, but you can't punish me for his stupid mistakes! HE is a total idiot you know that!!  He really doesn't know what he lossed when he let you go; you know what you are?  You are a Princess and should be treated as such and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life showing you what a real man is and how he should treat you!! Tears began to stream down my cheeks as all the walls began to crumble down around me. How can this guy, who I barely met a couple of months ago manage to see and love me just like that so easily, when my whole life prior no one else was able to do it? I still resisted his advances to rush into a serious relationship, but he just kept doing everything right, I could not believe it!  

There was this one time, we were talking on the phone and I was sick and it was late at night, probably around 9:00 p.m and I told him, "I'm so hungry!! I can really go for a First Street burger right now!" Is that what you really want?" Yes!" I said since I was sick and hungry, "and some orange juice too!!" Sniff, sniff as I blew my nose into the phone and wiped away my mucosos, "Okay, I'll go get it for you, is there anything else?"  Oh yeah, my brother's hungry too, can you bring him a burger combo too?" I have to be honest with you, I was hungry, but it was more of a test to see what he would do, and do you know what this crazy guy did?? He drove TWO CITIES over, bought me my burger combos, drove to the market, bought me a gallon of orange juice and tissues and drove all the way to my house in the middle of the night to hand deliver it all to me and my brother, then drove all the way home to call me and make sure I ate it and sweetly talked to me until I fell asleep on the phone, even though he had to wake up really early in the morning to go to work the next day.  After that, I was sold and we were married a month or so later and just as he promised he has spent everyday since treating me like a princess and making me fall even more in LOVE with him!!!....THE END...OR ACTUALLY TO BE CONTINUED :P

OUR STORY

Hello my friends and welcome back! I just found out I have some readers abroad so allow me to say zdravstvujtye und hallo!! You are just in time for the last and longest chapter of my story.  For those of you just tuning in, I had just awaken from dreaming about a mysterious man and am now trying to figure out who it can possibly be? Meanwhile on the other side of town, my husband to be is searching for me as well.  This is our story:

To recap, my mystery man had just received a random call from one of his friends to go with him to the local coffee shop to check out a girl he has a crush on. Unfortunately, when they got there, there were disappointed to find out she wasn't working and decided to just hang out and enjoy each others company.

A few days after that, my husband to be started craving a coffee after work and decided to head to Starbucks for a pick me up.  (Now what happens next is what he told me, but he might of been exaggerating in an attempt to get brownie points from me).  As he got out of his old 1989 Buick and started walking towards the entrance of the coffee shop, he was taken aback by a vision of a girl he noticed through the windows.  She was short in stature with long curly black hair tied in a ponytail underneath her Starbucks hat.  Her skin was a perfect tone of caramel color and her eyes were the most beautiful big brown eyes that you could get lost in for days. As he stood there dumbfounded by what he was witnessing, he saw her smile and right there and then it was like the heavens parted and a beam of light was ascending upon her as if to say, "Hallelujah you found her, you found her, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY YOU FINALLY FOUND HER!!"

Back to reality, he realized he was somehow inside the coffee shop now as if all the strings of the universe were pulling him towards her.  She was working behind the register, although by the time he finally got to it, she moved on to making and calling out drinks.  The shop was pretty busy as it was Saturday night and the tiny coffee shop was filled with people wanting to relax and hang out.  Between all the banter, ambiance music and the blasting of the blenders, it was difficult to hear, but that didn't seem to bother the girl he just couldn't seem to take his eyes off of.  As she called out the finished drink order it was as if she was the only person in the store or as if everyone had stopped what they were doing just to hear her angelic voice.  Although she was small, she called out with great authority, "VENTI, DECAF, UPSIDE DOWN MACCHIATO FOR MANNY!!" It was the most sweetest sound to have ever of touched is ears and he knew at that moment that there was no other girl that he ever wanted to be with in this world or the next except for the one in front of him.

Meanwhile, behind the counter I was frustrated with men all together and decided to call it quits, I swore I would either become a nun or lesbian (not really, just an expression) but as for me and men I was through and was just going to focus on finding myself and my way back to God.  Reason for my frustration was that all these weird guys started trying to pick up on me from 40 year old mama's boys to 26 year old insurance brokers to 15 year old little punks thinking I was actually in their league and I even had a lesbian following which was weird because I thought I was pretty straight, but looking at my above expression maybe not?!!  Nevertheless, I was like "come on, really?! These are the people that are attracted to me?!!' So I said "FORGET IT, I'M OUT!" Although, I decided that, everyone else didn't get the memo, so I continuously got harassed by cheesy pick up lines, stalkers and people leaving their phone numbers in the tip jars for me. I mean don't get me wrong, it was pretty fun meeting all these different people, but I was looking for my one true love, not someone trying to make me another notch in their belts!

Getting back to the mystery man, he didn't pick up on me that night, instead he just watched me with great entertainment and laughed to himself at this oxymoron of a small barely 5 ft girl, with a big voice that echoed throughout the whole store.  As he got his drink and was leaving, he turned around to take one last look before he left and with great confidence said to himself, "I'm going to marry that girl."

He went back to the coffee shop the next day in hopes of seeing the girl one more time, unfortunately she wasn't there.  He went back everyday for week, until finally on the last day, his friend called him up and asked if he wanted to hang out.  He told him sure and recommended hanging out at Starbucks (how convenient right)? His friend said sure and said "maybe that girl I like will be there!" So off they went to Starbucks to hang out and see if "the girl is there." Upon arrival, they both entered the store and ordered drinks; unfortunately, they did not see the girl.  They grabbed a table in front of the register as it was starting to get crowded with the weekend crowd and pulled out their Simpson Chess set and decided to hang out and play awhile.  Suddenly, from behind him he heard that angelic voice again, "GRANDE TAZOBERRY FRAPPACCINO FOR MARKO!!"  Butterflies started to dance within his belly as he got up to get their drinks.  There behind the bar, was that short statured girl with the big voice and as he got their drinks, their eyes met for a brief second as she handed them over and smiled, "thank you," he mumbled as he took the drinks and hurried back to his friend. "Dude!" his friend said excitedly, "That's the girl I was telling you about!"  In amazement, he started laughing "No way, that's the girl I was telling you about!" They both started laughing while their eyes wondered over to see what the girl behind the counter was doing?

Meanwhile, as I previously stated, I had given up on relationships so I was completely oblivious to anyone trying to flirt or what not with me, so I continued working my shift, skipping and laughing and doing what Russhelle does best.  Then it was getting close to closing time and I was pretty much exhausted as it was close to midnight and like all weekends was a very busy night. Being that our store closed at 1A.M., and people were starting to go home, I started cleaning up the store early getting ready to close.  As I walked back and forth in the front taking dirty dishes and towels to the back sink, something caught my eye? As I turned and glanced, I noticed a young gentlemen in a denim jacket quickly turning his head away from me as not to catch him looking and as cocky and shallow as this may sound, I said to myself "Oh great not another one!" But for some strange reason, I took another glance and something inside of me started pulling and as I made my way to the back I asked the Lord "Is he the one Lord?" and after I said that, I immediately felt a warm sensation come over me and there was a peace in my heart that said, "yes!"  But being that I was frustrated and gave up, I decided to push these feelings aside and said "well Lord, if that is so, give me another sign because I DON'T want to be wasting my time and getting my heart broken again!" and with that I continued on with my shift.

As the night progressed, Marko and his friend continued playing chess and hanging out, although Marko wasn't really into the game that night; he just couldn't stop looking at the coffee shop girl.  At the same time, he had just overheard two male employees talking about asking her out and given that his own friend was interested in her as well, he had a real dilemma on his hands.  Should he do the math and realize that given the male to girl ratio, he might very well be waiting in a long line to have a chance with her?  Since his friend saw her first, should he honor the bro code and see where things end up with them?  Or should he just forget everybody else and take the risk?

Sorry I cut this one short.  At the persistence of my dearly beloved, it was just waaaay too long so I guess the story will have TO BE CONTINUED.......

THE SECOND STORY

Hello my friends and welcome back; are we all tucked in and ready for our bedtime story? Okay let's see where did we leave off? Oh yes, I had just awoken from my mysterious dream and am now wondering who the heck Ar...o is???!! So there I was wide awake trying to figure out who this mystery man that I supposedly was going to spend the rest of my life with??!! Little did I know that just as God was preparing me for my husband, just the next town over, HE was doing the same thing for my husband to be; this is his side of the story: The year had just ended and so did his long term relationship with his girlfriend who it just so happened cheated on him as well. He was pretty hurt about it, after all they were together pretty much all of their adolescent lives, but he wasn't as devastated the same way I was, he actually told me he was relieved, not that he didn't care about his relationship with her, but because he knew she wasn't the one that he was meant to spend the rest of his life with. Regardless of this fact, he still felt sad about the predicament, after all he spent 6 years of his life with this girl and after everything they been through she ends up cheating. So one day, tired from all the games and defeated from his last relationship, he sat in front of his house on one warm winter day, watching the sun set and for the first time in his life for some strange reason he said a little prayer and said "God, I don't know if you exist or not, but if you do, can you please send me the girl I am meant to spend the rest of my life with? Please God let her be honest and kind and someone that I can grow old with and will just sit here next to me on the porch watching the sunset together. If you do this God, then I know you are real and will believe in you." After he said that prayer, he felt a peace in his heart, but being a guy and all, he really didn't think anything of it and started to move on with his life. About several weeks after that prayer, he got a random call from one of his friends, " oh hey buddy what's up, are you doing anything right now?" "Why?" "oh man, I just seen this really hot girl that works at Starbucks and I want you to come and see and tell me what you think?" Totally forgetting about the prayer he said by now, He said yeah whatever I'll go check her out for you." Unfortanetly, the evening that they went to the coffee shop, the girl wasn't working, but they still hung out and for the first time after the break up, he started to feel like his old self again......TO BE CONTINUED.....