Screaming inside all the while there's a smile on your face

Ever have those days where you look totally fine, there's a smile on your face, your upbeat and everything appears to be going fine; all the while inside you are screaming at the top of your lungs and wanting to pull your own hair out??!! OK good I thought I was the only one?!

 In case you are wondering why I would be blogging about something so personal and private. First, for anyone that knows me, knows that I have no shame. Secondly, I recently read and re-posted a Face book status on how it is mental health awareness month and wanted to show my support and thirdly, I wanted to share my story so that anyone that is going through the same thing can know that they are not alone.

 To start off, statistics show that 1 in 3 individuals will experience a mental breakdown at some point in their lives such as depression, anxiety and panic attacks. As for me, I experienced all three at the same time!! It was a stressful time in my life and I am the type of person that just couldn't say no, so I was always taking on more than I can handle, but instead of cutting things down as stressed as I was, I continued to work through it to the bitter end. On top of that, during the holiday seasons, it never ceases that one if not all family members start fighting so on top of my stress from, working, volunteering, other obligations and holiday stress, I was also fighting with what seemed like the whole world.

 My world became too much for me to handle and I could no longer carry the weight on my shoulders, but like I said before, instead of letting everything go, I just continued pushing through. As you know I previously worked for an ungrateful company that would over work and underpay me and anytime, I tried to ask for a raise or prove that I was worth something in that company, they always made it a point to put me down and make me feel worthless. Aside from that I never had time for myself, because when I wasn't working, my husband and I were always volunteering as Sunday school teachers and special events at church, plus we were constantly doing family events, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, so there was no resting time for me because when I wasn't working, going to family events or volunteering, I was running errands and attempting to fulfill all my wife duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I know by now you are all thinking,"whine, whine, whine, that's life suck it up" and I did for a long time, but then something happened that changed everything.

 It was the holidays and if that wasn't stressful enough family members and friends started passing away and dying and I couldn't believe it because some of these individuals were alive and healthy one minute and the next they were gone?! Then Christmas started rolling around and the family feuds started rolling in, but this particular year I got it from both my husbands side and my side and things were said and bridges were burned and ultimately my heart was broken into a billion pieces that year. With everything happening, it felt like they were coming in waves, one thing after the other just crashing down over me and pounding me further into the ground.  I was also going to school and with all the stress, I felt like I couldn't breathe!! Infact, there were a couple of times my husband and I were out and about just trying to escape our reality and we would go to stores or to the movies or dinner or something and halfway through, my chest would start hurting and I could not for the life of me get enough oxygen, I seriously thought I was going to die!!

I got so scared I went to the doctor where he just took one look at me and didn't even say anything before I burst into tears and told him my symptoms: I haven't been sleeping well, I have been losing a significant amount of weight, I have been crying uncontrollably for about a month prior and I have these bouts where I feel like I'm going to die because my heart hurts and I can't breathe and everything starts going black. The Doctor let me finish my crying bout and told me I was suffering from depression and that it was caused by stress. To be honest, that did give me a sigh of relief because I thought it was something more life threatening?!! He referred me to a psychiatrist but I never made the appointment, just like in everything, I made the decision I would deal with this on my own. To be truthful, I knew they would most likely put me on meds and I really didn't want to be addicted or have any high risk drugs listed on my health records.

So there I was depressed, stressed and feeling like I was utterly alone in this whole mess.  My husband did his best to be there for me, but he didn't know what I was going through or how to fix it and I think that is what frustrated him the most was that he couldn't just "fix" it. This was something more serious and though I tried to explain it to him, again I felt like I was utterly and painfully alone. I got to the point where I even became catatonic, which really scared both my husband and my older brother who until this very moment were the only two people in the world that knew about what I was going through. At this point my husband was doing everything for me, including showering me and putting me to bed, because when I wasn't catatonic, I was crying uncontrollably; it was truly a dark time in our household.

Finally tired of crying, I did research and found different ways of dealing with depressions such as spending more time with family and friends, particularly children, getting a pet such as a kitten or a puppy or just talking about it, because the more you talk about it, the more you'll see you're not alone and that there are people out there that truly care and will support you no matter what. So with my new information I asked my husband for a puppy, and even though my husband hates pets, ESPECIALLY puppies, he felt he had no real choice and that's how I got my puppy Homer :D. That was a real turning point and it's amazing how such a little critter can bring so much joy into someones life and though my puppy didn't cure me right off the bat, he has made coping with depression so much easier. That's the main point isn't it; That it does get better? Though your world is crashing down and everywhere you look there's darkness; that is just for a moment and just like a storm with its chaos and thunder, this too will pass. Depression isn't something that just goes away and I do confess that I have my relapses here and there, but as long as I continue to take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward that I will get stronger to the point where I can tell my depression " You can't hurt me anymore; I got this!!!"

Well this is my story, for anyone who is still reading this looooooooonnnng blog, I hope and pray that no one else has to endure such a thing, but if you are, know that you are not alone....Until next time my friends <3

People that really grind my gears

There are certain people in this world that really know what buttons to push and how to grind your gears; I am sure many of you are thinking of those individuals as I speak.

For me they are the ones that are narcissistic, hypocritical, sociopaths!!!  I CAN'T STAND these individuals!!! People that think that they are the only ones in this world and everyone should stop what they are doing and bow down to them every time they walk into a room!  They have no understanding past themselves and if anyone attempts to try to open their eyes to more, then "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!" They will disown you, hate you, NEVER want to speak to you again and Lord forbid if you tell one of these individuals "NO," because that is like a curse word to them and you will then be the most hated person on their list!!

To them, I would like to say that I am sorry for not making enough money as you think you have, making hanging out with you virtually impossible since all you want to do is go out to expensive places and spend money I don't have.  I'm sorry that I have bigger problems in my own life, then having to sit there for hours listening to how everyone in the world has wronged you, myself included.  And I'm especially sorry that I really don't feel bad when you disown me and tell me that you never want to speak to me again, because to be honest it is a sigh of relief that I no longer have to put up with your negative attitude and dictating ways. But most of all I am sorry that you can't see past your own nose at the bigger picture; that the world is a bigger place filled with people that love you and support you and if you would take even just a second to see that the reason no one wants to hang out with you is because of your destructive tendencies and how you constantly mow over and hurt anyone who gets in the way of your plans then I feel sorry that I can no longer have you in my life.

Truth be told, I might have a little of the above in me as well, but I think everyone does; that's what gives us our drives to push forward and move ahead in our lives.  But for the most part, I also know humility, patience, understanding, sympathy and above all else LOVE.  Without love, we have nothing and the more I think about people like this, the more I am realizing that all that they are really looking for is somebody to love them.  The sad part about this is that I have way too many individuals in my life like this and I am at a point in my crazy life where I can either continue catering to these individuals all the while be screaming inside, or I can walk away and realize that I have loved them for as long as I can, but from this point on, I need to start loving myself more.


Siiiggh, what can I tell you?  I'm a lover not a fighter and it hurts me to the core when I come across people that only care about themselves and self gain instead of helping or even just supporting their brother or sister in need.  Yeah not everyone is at the same level that you might be in at this moment, but it is the ones that you treat so cruelly that are going to be there for you when everything starts crashing down around you, just think about that next time you want to say and do hurtful things to the ones that love you......Until next time my friends <3

Raging against the machines

I went on a date with my husband today and upon exiting the facility we parked in, there was an "automated ticket machine" which we had to pay to exit. As I sat there watching my husband feed the machine, I thought to myself " these darn machines, taking our jobs!!!" Everywhere I look, machines are taking over; all the while, people are continuing to lose their jobs with no hope in sight. Thousands of warehouse workers, farmers, grocery store clerks even movie tickets sellers and bankers are being replaced by machines!!!! what happened to the good old days when you would be greeted and helped by friendly customer service representatives? Gone are the days of humanity, where people interacted with people and you can appreciate what you purchased because you had the satisfaction of knowing that a human being made that product with their own two hands. What good are machines anyway? Yeah they don't need continuous paychecks, their work capacity allows the company to produce 100% more efficiently and the company doesn't have to pay medical or other benefit, but honestly what can a machine really provide that a human can't? Machines aren't perfect either you know...they also make mistakes when they have glitches and when they need maintainance I bet it cost just as much as paying a human! Well I don't know about you, but I don't want no grubby machines taking over my job!! I say we get rid of them all together and kick them all out of California; Who's with me? Let's take back America people, No more machines!!! Go back where you came from darn machines, we're better off without you!!...unless you're a life saving machine, a home computer, home appliance, etc..teehee...that is all for now my beloved friends, don't mind this rant, it's just me being crazy as usual, but seriously think about it next time you're at the bank or the market.....